Never Be What You Want

So, once again I got hired to house sit for my grandparents. They offered me $100 just because last night I baby sat for a really long period of time and only got $20. (Mind you they really like to give me money, they believe that they can buy my love). So, for the past couple of days I have had to take care of three wiener dogs, they are all "potty trained", they are the worst dogs I have ever met. They bark at everything that has a shadow, if you leave the room for more than five minutes, they will pee on everything that is easily damaged or in places where you can't reach. I have mopped these floors 3 times. It is disgusting, they are extremely spoiled, and it makes me want to rip my hair out. I have been well behaved -for the most part-, I have taken care of the house. I did a lot more in the cleaning departement this time than all the others. I mopped, did all the dishes, scrubbed all the counter tops, I cleaned the bathrooms, I cleaned the bedding in both of the guest bedrooms and in their bedroom, I vacuumed, I got the mail, I took all the trash out of every single trash can in this forsaken house, I have put everything away neatly and to be honest, it is a lot cleaner now than it was when I came over Thursday. They don't see it this way.

I was, or am, a difficult teen. I'm restless and I have made some horrible desicions in the last couple of years. Ranging from two attempts of suicide, to drugs, to not only hurting others but myself, rebelling against my parents, sneaking out, etc. I've had it rough, maybe not as rough as some people I know, or others that are out there struggling with their own demons; but I have definitely have had a difficult time in gaining their trust back and changing for the better and trying to be happy for myself. They make it perfectly clear that I am a disgrace. They are probably the number one reason why I hate a lot of things and can't stand people. They like to rub in my mistakes, the catastrophes I have been a part of, they like to make sure I never forget the nights where I begged for death. Not all of my family is like this, but the vast majority of it is.

So, I am basically venting about the fact that I actually tried really hard to get their approval and make them proud and actually DID EVERYTHING THEY EXPECTED OF ME AND MORE, and how they had the nerve to call me a liar and make sure that I know I'm no good.

This isn't about begging for attention or being sappy with how I've f*cked up a couple times; it's about how discouraging it is to try so hard to make someone proud, and be smacked down to the ground with disappointment. It's aggravating and I'm irate, so I'm pretty sure I am never doing them a favor again. I've given in before, but not this time. At least I got my $100.
April 22nd, 2013 at 12:11am