I am worthless, I am not good enough.

I feel like I'm worthless, that I'm not good enough, that no one notices me.

Everyone else fits into a 'group' of some kind and then I'm just...there. I don't fit anywhere. I guess some people might like that feeling, but it makes me feel like I'm pretending to be something or someone I'm not. It makes me feel insecure about myself because I'll flit between 'groups' of people and then feel like I'm 'trespassing' and change myself. It's like I don't even know who I am. And that...unsettles me.

I'm expected to be the perfect daughter who gets the best grades and behaves appropriately, when really I just want to do fuck all and travel the world and not get tied down with a laborious desk job or children. I guess in a sense that's the real me. Yet I'm hiding it. I'm not comfortable enough in it to tell my family that yep, that's what I want to do.

But however much they deny it, I know they expect me to do just as well and achieve just as much as my two older brothers'; the amazing grades, the glowing references and the partner to put the cherry on top of the cake.

Don't get me wrong I love them and wouldn't wish for anyone else, but it makes me feel so low. Because I'm just sat there with my grades that aren't as good as theirs, and getting kicked out of a volunteering job - a volunteering job for god's sake - and not doing enough good things to put on my CV to impress an employer.

It lingers over my every thought, the question of have I done good enough? when I get a grade back from a test or exam. I'm scared to tell them if I get a bad grade. One time, I came home and told my dad that I got a B in french, and I could just feel, see and hear the disappointment when he said just one word, "Alright" that was it. No 'good job' or 'well done', just 'Alright'. And after that he even had the cheek to say that I shouldn't feel that I have to live up to my brothers' achievements.
Even in school now it seems that getting an A or B is bad, that you're a failure if you get that.

It makes you feel so low and worthless, that even though you might have put your absolute all into that exam, or that coursework, or that project, they'll just turn around and go 'Nope, sorry it's not good enough'.

Do they have any clue how depressing and self-esteem battering that is?

I get this thing, I call it the 'Morning Blues' - sad I know - but it's where I'll wake up one morning and I'll just feel like shit. I don't want to get up, I don't want to face the world, I just want to crawl back under the sheets and dream the perfect life for myself. I think of my exams, the future and I get scared. I don't want it, I want out. I want to die to escape from it.

And to be honest...it scares the shit out of me.

It happens so often that I've considered talking to my mum about it, and wondering whether I should see someone for thinking about suicide so often. But then I chicken out because I'm scared she'll think I'm overreacting, or blame it on teenage hormones or she won't believe me.

People tend to think I'm strong. But I'm really not...I'm one of the most fragile people you can meet - I just put it on.
I guess I seem unemotional though, because I hide my emotions, I don't like to show them. I don't like the feeling of letting something you can't control overtake you, it...it scares me.

Huh, how 'bout that. I'm scared of my own emotions...

But I don't like feeling emotion. The concept of emotion frightens me - yes I will show the obvious ones of looking happy, sad, angry etc. But it's the deeper emotions. For instance when my cat died, I was about 10? 11?, and I could feel myself tearing up when my parents told me he'd died, but I fought the tears. I didn't want to cry in front of them. I only cried when I was alone. And my friends have never even seen me cry once.

With stories, like ones on here, I'll get so caught up in them that sometimes I just can't read it. Because the emotion that I usually suppress I allow to come through, and it tears me apart so badly that I just can't handle it.

I've only ever told one person about it, but I've never really told her the full extent of it. I feel like she'll think I'm just exaggerating, or think it's weird...

I know in my mind that she won't, but I can't help feeling it.

To be honest, I just want all of this to stop...