Trigger warning?

I need to get this out somewhere. Sorry. This past week has been insane. Being with stick-thin dancers 12 hours a day, 7 days a week is really hard when you're recovering from an eating disorder. Consequentially, I've fallen into my old habit of self harm. Started out with just cutting, like it used to be. But today I've been bruising myself. My fists are red and raw from punching walls and myself, there are bruises and cuts all over my body. I don't know how to stop. I don't know how I'll answer the inquiring questions tomorrow. Especially from my boyfriend. How do I stop? How do I deal with this? Running isn't enough of a release anymore. I need more. I need pain, more immediate and longer lasting. I feel sick.