I was in the best mood possible like ten minutes ago. I told myself I was going to move on. I straightened my hair and actually smiled a real smile for the first time in months. Not even ten minutes later my stepfather gets up for work.
What's the first things he does?
He fucking yells at me because HIS kids left a fucking mess. They're toddlers, expect them to make messes! They aren't my responsibility! I clean up after MYSELF unlike he does. He had the fucking nerve to yell at me for a mess THEY made. I'm not going to clean this whole damn house just because there's a tiny mess made by the toddlers. Granted, if I would have walked by it I would have cleaned it up. But I didn't! And then he tells me I've been on the computer all damn day when I've been on for a total of 30 minutes. I've been at a neurologist appointment for most of the morning, then I did homework from yesterday, and then took a shower. I just got on 30 minutes ago, not even joking. Why is everything MY fault? I didn't do anything to deserve to get yelled at. It's always me that gets in trouble. I'm so sick of it. There are FOUR teenagers living in this house, TWO toddlers, and TWO adults. Don't expect the house to be spotless and don't blame ONE person for the fucking mess!
I'm so tired of being walked over. I'm so sick and tired of being taken and torn! I've had a rough life and it's not fair that you just come into my life and assume that you know EVERYTHING about me. Guess what, you don't and never will. I hate your guts! I'm fucking done!
I lost my mother. She is dead and NEVER coming back. On top of finally getting it through my head that she's never going to see me turn 18, or graduate, she's never going to see me walk own the isle, she's never going to get to my first child if I have one. I'm trying not to expect to see her, but it's so hard. I feel like my life is crumbling. I feel like I'm going to explode from all these feelings. The fear, the guilt, the loss, the sorrow, the anger, the hurt. All of it is bottled up because I can't tell anyone. I can't trust anyone anymore. Everybody uses me.
The last guy I liked got close to me. He got me to trust him so much that I told him about losing my mother, about my self-mutilation, and about anything I just needed to talk to someone about. He even told me his life story. He told me his troubled, his problems, and his feelings. We were like two peas and a pod. And then I got so close to him that I was ready to prove it. This next detail is probably a little to private to share, but I don't care...we were going to have sex. We both wanted to. I started to feel weird about it. I backed out and told him I just couldn't. I told him I was scared and he started distancing himself from me. I asked him why and he told me he just wanted sex. What we had, or what I thought we had, wasn't real. He wanted in my pants. He made me vulnerable so that I'd trust him enough to have sex. The sad part is that I'm still attached to him. I still look for him when I pass him on school campus.
I'm just so sick of this. I'm sick of being hurt. I'm sick of being used. I can't do it anymore. Nobody knows me and nobody cares. I've written so many suicide letters and I have so many scars. I can't wear shorts anymore because I have scars all over my thighs. I have scars on my legs and I have some scars on my wrists and arms. I wear jackets to hide. I've never let anyone see them. I just don't know if I can keep doing this. Cutting isn't enough and I think it's time.
What's my purpose? Why am I still fighting against giving up? I've got nothing to fight for. My mom's dad, my friends wouldn't notice, and I'm sure i'm just a waste of space. i'm a loser who doesn't fit in anywhere. I seriously don't know what to do. I just want to be done. Why is it so hard for me to give up? There's no point in continuing, yet the small shred of hope that i'll wake up and realize this is all just a dream keeps me going. I keep thinking i'll wake up and see mom. i'll get to hug her and tell her I such a horrible dream. For some reason I have that shred of hope. If I lose that shred of hope...I don't know if i'd have anything left to keep me going. I don't think i'll be able to keep fighting if I lose that hope.
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