Pain and Love. They don't match.

I hate liking someone, because they all end up hurting me.

I started to like this person during the middle of my semester, i don't remember how i like him (which is saying something because a lot of people said that the best love happens without a reason. I wasn't actually trying to like anyone but then suddenly i have this attraction towards him.

Before i continue, i just want to tell you that when i like someone i tend to show it because it is pretty obvious to everyone. I don't know why i can't keep it a secret but apparently the whole class knew i had a crush on him. I like walking to his place and just talk to him about music and movies and talk weird things on skype, and for a moment he didn't actually make any effort to actually flirt back and continue our conversation as i always try to keep it going, so i thought, "oh okay, he didn't like me back...maybe, i should just give this one up."

After not talking to him like i used to for a couple of days, he started to make an effort and actually starts the conversation first, i was quite happy actually. Then he started to actually touch my hands or pull my hair (those kind of silly stuff), and i don't want to get my hopes up or anything, but how can you though? really? When your crush actually tried to make an effort? i know i can't.

So my feelings for him intensify a bit more but after a whole year talking and skyping and then when we are just 1 month away from graduating, he stops. He became so distant and he didn't even smile at all. He keeps everything to himself back when i first met him, and he actually seems uncomfortable talking to me. As if we were in the awkward phase that i just want to break.

Mind you, that i haven't like someone in a long time because every time i do, they never returned the feelings. Until it was too late. I always feel that i was never wanted by boys and they never think i'm beautiful or skinny or even cute. And it sucks because i was bullied when i was still in my elementary school so the self consciousness always gets in the way.

I hate the fact that all i wanted was to be loved and be loved by me.
And i wanted the angels to be jealous because our love was stronger by far than the love
Of those who were older than we- Of many far wiser than we.

I know, i'm quoting Edgar Allen Poe. I love him, okay?