Hey everyone it's me. Not going to lie I'm feeling really down today and I needed to get this out and not feel so judged so please be kind if you have anything to say.
Lately it feels like when I'm home someone is always yelling at someone else. Today my brother screamed his head off cause my dad is having a go at him about not having a job and surprise surprise my mum managed to find a way of it all being my fault because I had just spent the week round Reuben's house which they said I can do as long as I catch up on my jobs. I've been home one day and they're giving me the 'you don't try hard enough you need to be better at everything' lecture. Lately over here it's been very hot and sunny and for the pass couple of days when I've been out in the sun I've been getting these headaches which seems to go behind my eye then move around causing me to want to cry then get angry, Reuben thinks I'm photosensitive and I've told mum what's going on and she was understanding now today I was feeling sick and the thought of eating anything was making me want to throw up so I made myself chicken cupa soup and went to bed and they think I'm faking it so I don't have to do my chores. Thanks guys you really know how to make someone feel speical don't you? So back to my point mum is yelling at me going on about how my brother is under a lot of stress this week doing all the jobs, cutting the grass, getting stuff ready for dinner oh and lets not forget about his college stuff where everyone is dropping out due to not being able to handle it and he's sticking with it and he's dsyelexic which is why everything is so much harder for him. Ok one - You said I can stay at Reubens and I told you I haven't been feeling well since thursday. Two - I'm also at college where no one is turning up, the teachers don't know fuck and they're supposed to be trained in area's of media that we need to use but they don't know what they're doing plus I'm also dsyelexic and you guys don't give me smpathy guess you have to be the perfect little prince to get that speical treatment. Three - I can't be in two places at once I am trying hard to be a better person but I'm not going to stop being me, you wanted a girly girl but instead you got some emo goth woman.
Yes I know I'm not perfect but who is? It feels like they'd be a much happier family if I wasn't in the picture. It should have been the three of them not the four of us. And I know that this is a horrible thing to think and even say but I feel like if I died what would they even think? Would they feel bad about making me feel like I should never have been born? Its not the first time I thought of dying and if I did now I could be with my nan again like I was in my dream the other night.
I dreamnt that I went to my granddads house to drop off some shopping for him and my nan was there in the kitchen cooking like she used to at first I thought I was going mad but then my granddad was speaking to her and I just started crying and I hugged her and she felt real. The dream felt so real I thought that I had my nan back and I was so happy and I promised I'd spend more time with her and we'd cook and play domino's together like we used to as long as she didn't leave me again. But then reality came and I woke up to find myself in bed and realizing even if we could cure the dead we wouldn't get her back cause she was cremated and granddad had skattered her ashes by the field where the funeral was. Next month is going to suck because on the 17th is the year of her death and I'm not sure if I'm able to go into college. I've already spoken to my course leader and she said if I feel like I can't come in then she understands but I did say I'm going to try to because I don't want to be on my own plus I can talk to Aimee she always makes me feel better even if its her being evil to me.
Even if I wasn't meant to be in the picture of my family at least I got to know my nan and granddad it feels like I've been more closer to them then my parents in all honesty. They never judged me or accused me of faking something like wanting to be sick. I want to get on better with my brother and I'm trying but it feels like mum and dad get in the way of that and make us turn against one another. I can't wait to actually get a job and leave this town is a hole all there is here is teen pregnantcy, stabbings and bloody chavs that make you too affraid to go outside. I just want to leave, I've been trying to get a job but it feels like no one wants me I mean even Jade has a job but its most likely with Joels sister who gets a say in who works there god isn't that depressing. Still don't worry I'm not going to do anything stupid so I guess till next time bye.
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