Heartless

I don't care if anyone reads this or not. It is just something I feel like I need to get out of my head and out there. Think what you want of it, but it is from my mind and heart and into a computer.

I kind of feel stupid actually. To be so vulnerable to someone. My dad never even wanted me with the exception of a short period of time in my life. But there was someone who did love me for awhile, even though he left soon after.

We had a care-free infatuation. I would have done anything in the world for him, he was something that stripped me from my true innocence and helped me see a side of myself I never even knew existed. I won't give this guy all the credit though I learned a lot of myself from my own mistakes. I spent the last three years of my life on someone who was selfish in his own way.

I guess what I keep asking myself is why I allowed it for so long. Why I let him do this to me. He has made me so cold and heartless, I can't even give any love to any one else. Every touch from another is so numb. I tried to date again but he left too because I couldn't even give him any real affection. Every time he touched me or expressed his feelings I would recoil and slip away. I didn't want his affection. I didn't want his love. And I thought well maybe it is just because I got out of a relationship, maybe it is just because I'm still in love with another. But it wasn't for those reasons.

It is because every time we open ourselves up to another we are taking that chance for them to take it away. We are risking ourselves. I risked every part of me to some one. And that person is gone. He is replaced by a monster I do not know. He's replaced by the poison he consumes everyday and by the lies he spills from his lips. That man is forever gone and he will never be here again.

And that is what made me heartless.
April 30th, 2013 at 09:48am