ranting, i need to get it out of my system.
first of all, my mother is fucking annoying me to no end. not so much annoying as just bothering. she never, EVER rewards or congradulates me for anything i do. she keeps raising the standards -- which i guess some would consider a good thing, like she's challenging me, but it backfires and in the end makes me feel like shit. when i got a 4.3 gpa for the year ? " oh, that's nice. you know, you only got an A in biology, your brother got an A+ in the class when he was your age. " when i worked my ass off the entire year to make the varsity team ( which i did ) ? " oh, that's nice. now you'll really have to work hard to stay on the team. " all i want is a little fucking regonition every now and then.
second, all my best friend is fucking up her life and she doesn't even realize it. she doesn't realize she has like no friends anymore cause no one can trust her. she's being such a faker and such a bitch, and blaming EVERYTHING on her " issues " or saying that certain things she does are " side - affects of her anti - depressants " which i know for a fact is total bullshit. i really want to tell her to grow up and take some damn responsibility for once, and admit that you're wrong every once in a while.
i guess the last thing is i feel depressed but i really don't want to start up on the meds again, cause they make me feel like shit. i'm already on anti - anxiety medication and that's okay, i can deal with it, and i'm taking stuff for my ocd, but i really can't put the anti - depressants on top of it again. and school just started and i'm really overwhelmed, i feel so self - conscious whenever i go to school, i hate being made fun of by the immature assholes i have to live with 7 hours out of everyweekday. i'm definitely not feeling suicidal or feelin glike i want to cut -- i never really have had strong feelings like that -- but its more worthlessness than hopelessness.
i don't know. i don't know what to do. sorry that was long, i just had to write it out, it makes me feel better. =/
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September 4th, 2007 at 12:19am