More to come

I wonder if I get ahead of myself as harshly as I think. Perhaps so. Last entry, I mused and ranted about the needs I had and that they didn't deserve to be filled - in fact, I declared I would dismiss my desires and just enjoy what I had. It isn't as little as I'd suppose, truly. But here we are, a month or so later. I'm not positive on the date of that post, but, in such and such time frame, apparently, I do have a boyfriend now. It's a calm pleasure. When he asked me, I didn't do any of the things I thought I'd do, I was simply too far gone, and not to mention there have been many a time in which he'd jokingly ask me in the past. There's no room to be excited in the face of a harmless joke, you know? But, as it turns out, he wasn't joking. He asked me, despite his own fears of the word, just to make me happy. It's sweet. Normally, I'd go on about it but there's always something else. He and I had a discussion last night. And the day before that, although, it was brief due to him wanting to sleep. In any case, I don't want to detail it publicly, but, I'm deathly scared of losing him. To someone else, I could handle, maybe, but death?

Aha. I always think that's the hardest. When he told me his feelings, I literally began to get a stomach ache. Crippling, even. I had to hold back tears, although he didn't want me to do that. I don't like crying. In any case. He'll stay with me, unless I leave. He's scared to be disappointed by me, for me to leave like so many others, and considering our circumstances are either matching or greater than his previous relationships, he finds it difficult to put faith in me. But I love him. I do. I'm in love with him. We've been through a lot together. Exes, suicide, homicide, self-harm, depression, mental instability. The list does go on.

My mother hates him. She's never met him, formally, but they spoke once over the phone. It was not something I wanted to happen. I was keeping him a secret because I knew she wouldn't approve of even our friendship and she doesn't know I like men, so. Ah. She gets angry when I speak to him, asks me why I need him, of all people, as a friend. I've had to fight to simply keep in contact with him, though, I know I'll forever be nagged by her over it. I moved recently, and we're over 40 thousand miles away now, so we don't even know if we'll ever be close again. You know that? He has less faith in it than me, myself, I know we'll meet again, but, he's not so sure.

And do you know what he did? Be, uh.. he bought me a necklace. A gold chain and with a ruby in the shape of a heart. And it's a fucking killer because he's been wanting this item for so long and he's been saving, since even before he met me, and that was a year ago and he bought me this. I don't want him to send it to me, he suggested that he should put it on, himself. And I want that. You know, last night after we talked, after he told me how he felt, we started talking about how our life would be together. Not sadly, just happily, laughing, joking. And, we spent a solid four fucking minutes just telling each other, 'I love you.' It was.. sick. I'd never.. I'm a weird person. I don't need a lot, I can wait, I'm patient but.. I can't explain to you how badly I wanted to, at the very least, touch him. I wanted a hug so very badly.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how I.. I'm just really scared.
May 1st, 2013 at 10:32pm