First Time Developments

So, as you may have guessed by the title, I'm here to talk about my first time, which was last night. I feel...conflicted. My boyfriend and I were just fooling around, and then it happened.

See, yesterday, I spent the day at his house and we were just cuddling and stuff when he started messing with me. And I giggled and let him and one thing led to another and suddenly I was saying I wanted him and, after a minute, he started to give me what I wanted to. But he only got about an inch in before it started to hurt. Thinking back, he told me he wishes he'd been a little slower. Not to say he wasn't gentle about it, but it hurt anyway.

Needless to say, I freaked out a bit and realized we weren't being safe and this was happening to fast and I just asked him to stop. And, to top it off, I started crying.

So much was going through my head. We'd almost had sex. We've only been together a month, although we've already been to third base, which is a first for me in both the giving and the receiving parts. But, in my defense, he's the most amazing guy I've ever met, I can genuinely see myself having a future with him, and I'm 99% sure I love him. I mean, he's the first thing I think about in the morning and what I'm thinking about when I go to sleep. I no longer have the urge to make out with other guys, but can't seem to get enough of him. I'm happy when we're together, even if all we're doing is sitting in his backyard talking about stuff.

I felt bad because I'm pretty sure he blamed himself, but it was my fault. I had so much in my brain, that I had a hard time talking to him (not to mention talking is what really makes me break down when I'm trying not to cry). I felt like I'd sinned, and I was thinking what my mom would think if she knew and how weird it was gonna be to go home knowing what I'd done and other stuff along these lines.

But I managed to stop freaking out and we just hung out for the rest of the day.

Then we hung out again today with no intentions of doing anything. We hung out with his family, watched movies, and then hung out in his room for a little bit. We made a little game out of it. There were rules. We were going to have an innocent time hanging out. But then he said kissing wasn't against the rules. The rules were he couldn't take any of my clothes off and I later added that he couldn't stop kissing me.

But, then rules ended up being broken and we were fooling around again. He'd already made me finish twice, close to a third, and we were making out and I couldn't stop thinking about it. Since yesterday, my curiosity had been nagging at me and I sorta wanted to try it again. He already had his pants off and everything (there had been no rule saying his clothes couldn't come off), so all I did was wiggle my hips until he was right up against me. Then he asked if I wanted to, and I said I did.

He only went in about halfway, but it hurt like hell. I actually had to ask him to stop moving, it hurt so much. And that's only halfway. I dread to think of it all the way. But he gradually started moving again and it hurt, but it also sort of felt nice. Then, all of a sudden, the pain was barely there and I was close again. I actually got into it and was moving my hips with him and I came hard.

Then he had to take me home because of my curfew, but I felt weird about it. I was shaking really hard and cried a little after he left. I'm still feeling conflicted about it, but I know I liked it and definitely want to try it again. Maybe it won't hurt so much next time...? But is it wrong that we did it so soon? I mean, I've never been this attracted to someone before. He says it's normal to feel mixed up about it, but is it really? I wish I could just stop feeling bad about it.

Has anyone else felt this way with their first time?