Honestly, I am getting tired of everything. I'm hiding behind my fictional characters and even that is taking a toll, considering I'm letting myself be convinced that it's being annoying. It keeps me sane, yet it drives me insane. What's the cause of all of this?
My mother and not having a job. I literally have been looking everywhere and have gone no where, I had started since I was fifteen and nada, even when I did find one the people were so horrible that even I was losing any faith of being happy. Then the stupid 'accident' happened and then out of a job, which is just freaking hilarious you know why? Cause the day I went back to talk about it, the first thing that they mentioned was not of how I felt, oh no, it was all how it could 'ruin their reputation.' Okay, so are we going to forget how I had been sent various texts while on deliveries, basically pressuring me to hurry the hell up, disregarding that I had been in what? A different town, it was one mistake and I have been nothing but loyal and did the work, the other lazy ass employers didn't want to do. I was that nice, but oh you know I was just going to deal with getting less hours all because I was sick, forgive me for being human.
Another thing that has just gotten to me, is the fact that my mother is the most contradicting, selfish and hurtful mother out there. I love how she always said that she was lucky she had me because I wasn't a wild child or that I didn't make such a fuss as normal kids. Alright, fine but at this rate it's just ridiculous. I mean, you're basically not fit to raise any kids, you even say 'ugh, I can't stand brats. I would not be happy to have a brat in my arm.' You have me, seems that with me, you love me but I have to deal with a list of bullshit. For example: dealing with Boytoy, my Uncle, and any person who can give you money. My opinion never has nor will it ever matter, nor the times I say not to do something and then get proven wrong.
I have to deal with Boytoy's temper tantrums and abusive tendencies because he pays the rent, oh I'm sorry I'll just deal with him bringing up old feelings of trauma that I had to deal with when I was forced to move into my grandfather's place because my uncle couldn't be the adult he claimed to be and my mom went to his rescue. Which brings me to the point my uncle, he is scum of anything. I have never hated a person more, not even my grandfather, hell and that's saying something. He has always treated me like shit, making fun of me, I have always been the niece that he's been an asshole to, yet me being the nice one, I have always helped him when he kept getting caught with the police or needed help, I had to help or just helped cause I was the nice one. Now, the way he repays me is say shit and treat me like I'm his fucking rag doll that I need to do stuff for him, he made have a panic attack behind the wheel, once alone going home I cried, shaking.
My mother knows of this, yet she's all sympathetic but then goes that oh poor him, he grew up without parents. Alright, he had sisters, my mom and aunt wow so what about me? I mean, it seems that with everything I had been raising myself because she worried more about my uncle, hell she even worried more about my brother, who he had enough family members. It's nothing much, just the fact that I've been the black sheep always, and hated for that little fact. I've dealt with it.
Now, I'm here just tired and annoyed because I'm moving again, because my mom says she's 'tired' of Boytoy and that we should leave. I call her to ask if I should just wait the weekend for my uncle's help, because A) he owes me and B) this stuff is pretty heavy, and you know what her response is? Oh we have to wait if he can help or that if he does, it has to be his way that I can't wake up whenever or that I can't this or that. Okay, hold up for a moment, she was the one that suggested it in the first place, so exactly how can I be told that when I was told one thing earlier, thanks mom.
I just need to find a job, maybe then she won't act like I'm being fucking useless. She even pressures me, she goes 'oh you have to find a job because the stress on me' okay, when I had a job you stressed me the most and now you're the same, you put your stress on me. You have Boytoy, the guy you're so fucking tired of oh wait, it's the same guy that calls you 'mama' right? Exactly, you want me to work with you, fine but do not expect me to enjoy being in your company. I have to lessen my opportunities of a job so that you can be picked up and all that. So do not dare say that I have not done much or pressure me with getting a job then going on about how I should do this and that, anything but find a job. I hate the contradictions and I am just going to go insane.
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