An Old Friend

Old friendships hurt. So many times I've wondered if she ever remembers me, ever thinks about me, if I was ever anything to her. I wonder if she was better off without me, or if she's still hurting. I miss when we hurt together. Oh, and I wonder if she thinks I hate her, too? Just as I wonder if she still hates me. I wanted to write this for all those who've lost someone important to them. This is how I feel.

I wanted to say, beyond any shadow of doubt, I still love you. I never stopped loving you. Everyday I think about you, every moment I just want to yowl your name out all the time, every breath I take. Its like the words are always nipping at the end of my tongue but I always have to bite them back down my throat. I've tried all the remedies- Listen to happy music, listen to break up music, listen to sad music, listen to your music, listen to my music. Try to distract myself with anything- my pokemon crap, writing stories like we used to do, school, reading, anything. But everything I do, I just see you shine through it. Everything I look at, its like your name is etched in stone on it, and everything just makes me cringe. But it just doesn't work- I've tried to accept it. But now the sadness and the loneliness is more like an addiction than a curse. I try to forget you, but I just can't because I don't WANT to. I don't ever want to forget you- you were too brilliant to me.

Its not so much YOU that hurts, its the loneliness that really hurts. I miss you, I miss how you used to make it all okay when it was never okay. They all say I'm so much better off without you- how they all just hated you and how they would 'do anything to protect me from you even if I end up hating them in return.' Don't they see how much I regret hurting you? I regretted it before I did it, I regretted it during it, and I regret it now. But there was nothing I could do- my whole family forced me against you. But I never stopped loving you- I swear it on my name. You were always hurting, I always wanted to take that pain away. The loneliness is the most painful of anything, you know? You know you were my only friend. I never had anyone else- not even general friends, you were it. Now I look around and see only enemies, like I did with you, and it hurts deeper than anything before.

Whenever I tell people about it, they give me looks like 'are you crazy?' because they just...don't want to listen to painful yowls like I do so well. They look crazy to ME. They shy away from my sadness, because they know sadness is contagious. They don't want to catch it- they don't want to see me hurting because they can't take it. But I would do ANYTHING to see someone else in pain. I feel so alone here, everyone else is so happy and I'm so miserable without you. I know it sounds stupid, it sounds freaking sadistic. But I just want to listen to other people hurting like me, I want to hear them say they hurt too because I just want to know I'm not alone. I want to be there for them, I want them to know I understand. But they never do, they don't trust me, and I just don't trust them either because they're too happy. I've cried so many times without you, it hurts like hell let me tell you. I try to do anything to help myself, but it won't...

It hurts so much, I just want to make that bluntly clear to you. I want you back, but I know you won't take me back. It's like every time I'm in a crowd, I look for you even though I know you won't be there. I check my gmail with my tail between my legs praying to see your name somewhere in my emails, but it isn't. I think about emailing you, but I've already done that. I've already begged you back, but you rejected me. I don't want to get that again- I don't want to be rejected again. Sometimes I go on mibba, like now, and look for you. I go through your blogs looking for my name, because I'm fucking pathetic. And I know you know I do that (but I've only done that a few times) and its like, I see something like "ever since SHE left half a year ago" and I suppose I go through all my texts from you that I never deleted, and all my emails I never got rid off, checking to see if it's really been half a year. Or at least hoping it is so that maybe, just MAYBE, that would apply to me.

I know you still hurt. Love, I know you to well to think otherwise. You tell me you were getting better before we parted, and I wanted to believe that, but I know you couldn't do that. Don't hate me, but I was hoping it wasn't true. I just wanted to make you happy... All that work, you were never happy though. Now that you've left, I have NO purpose. My purpose was you.... I wanted to make you happy. All those times you said you'd cry, you were giving up, thinking about suicide, all that shit... I just wanted to save you. That's it, I knew you needed a friend. I still want to do that. And I know if you ever read this, your pride will stop you from taking me back. And maybe you'll yowl my name out too, maybe you still miss me. But I know I can sit here and scream "I fucked up!" all I want, you'll never make that move. You're either full of pride, or your already done with me.

Seriously, this blog is so pathetic. I can't explain how much I miss you. I can't. Words are just words. I told my sister how I've went through 36 pages on Google about loneliness, how I still miss you so much. She told me very casually "why don't you just take her back." I was so baffled. Is it that easy? Is it that easy, and I'm just making it too difficult? I know my mom and dad would never agree. I kept trying to tell her how much I miss you, but she told me she was sick of hearing it. It broke my heart. BROKE MY HEART. I can't believe it- she took you away from me like she promised she wouldn't do, and now she isn't willing to pick up the broken pieces of my heart she left behind. The following night I had a dream where you and Alicia got together and came to my house. You told me you were friends again PURELY to gang up on me. You told me you've gotten over me and now you want to watch me die. So you and Alicia start kicking me, and I tell you I'm going to scream if you don't stop kicking me but you tell me 'go ahead, no one's listening.' I scream as loud as I can, but my neighbors don't even look. Finally my mom comes down and I expect her to help me, and she just tells me I'm embarrassing her. She tells me to shut up and that she doesn't care, then slams the door. later in the dream, I go to school and you and Alicia tell all the students about me- how I'm still crawling after you like a little injured dog begging you to take me back and the other kids start following me around, pushing me to a corner in the wall and calling me pathetic and weak. After that, I just break down crying in class and the students keep bullying me. When I woke up, I was stunned because it was so accurate to how I felt. It was the most realistic dream I've ever had and further more- the only dream were I felt depression IN my dreams. I usually only feel fear, anger, and happiness in dreams. That was the first time I wanted to cry in my dream.

I've had that dream and another dream- always the same. I've had that dream a FEW times. I meet up with you behind my moms back at a library, and I'm ecstatic you're here. Then later in the dream you just disappear and I try to find you. I think you abandon me and I get really scared and end up spending the whole rest of the dream searching through the library countless times looking for you.

I know you probably don't care, and that's okay. I'll keep going. I feel like a dog. An injured dog, dragging myself across a dark place. And I can yowl and screech all I want, but no one ever looks or helps. They don't want to because they don't want to get involved- or they have their own injured dogs to care for without helping my silly butt. But I keep on squeaking, crying out, dragging my legs behind me either because they don't work or maybe they've figured to collapse and let it go. It feels like my heart has twisted itself in knots so many times that it ends up gagging on its own blood, and swallowing it back to the lungs all wrong. I could lay here and scream and scream, how could no one ever listen? Why do we always expect people to listen to our cries, when our cries are silent and deafened? I hope you know by now, I haven't given up on you. And even though I feel this way- my heart always twisting and convulsing inside my chest, I still wish I could take all your pain away and carry it myself.

It's so lonely over here, but I still hope you're happy! I've wanted to tell everyone how I feel but honestly... I'm afraid to cry. I know if I even utter your name, I'll burst into tears. It happens every single time. And I know if I do that, everyone will completely ignore it like they always do. I'll tell them I miss you, and all I'll ever get is "you really need to get over her" or "oh, this again." It hurts when they say those things. It hurts so much, its like they're sick of me. They can't carry my weight anymore- and I only give them a smidge of how I truly feel. I only INCH my feelings into the conversation, yet they still look horrified to deal with it, or exasperated about it. I just go "Oh, I miss her. But anyway, the sky is pretty." I just want to break down and gasp out tears and whimper "EVERYDAY it feels like a tragedy to on, my heart only beats with her. My last breath will be about her, my last drop of blood will turn cold with grief over her and I know it so well. Everything I look at, I see her. And if YOUR the ones that made me do this- then you better d*mn well not sigh in exasperation, or tell me to shut up. Because this is YOUR fault, and you can play the victim all you want. Telling me "its fine if you hate me, as long as I've saved you from her." Because maybe I just will! You treat it like it was a victory on your part, are you happy?"

I feel so defeated with you and..

my love, I'm so sorry you feel that way....

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