Do we ever really fit in?

So last night I laid awake dwelling on my life yet again. I swear it is all I do anymore. I have been really self-conscious lately about the fact that I don't have very many people in my life. So last night at dinner my Dad decided we should all relive my nightmare that was called high school. See I would have and still would do anything to fit in. One time I cut school with a friend and a group of people I didn't really know. Of course I let them come back to my house in hopes of seeming "cool" and they stole from me. So my Dad, the ever sensitive one, says to me last night, "Did you ever have a real friend? I don't think you did." Well gee thanks Dad way to dig that knife in a little deeper.

I would do anything to fit in, yet I never succeeded. I would give people money when needed, I would change who I am and what I believed in just to have a common interest with people, I have stayed up all night doing college papers for a friend who eventually shit all over me and our friendship. I just I don't have a best friend and it sucks. I mean I have considered people my best friend but no one has ever considered me as their best friend. I just want to be somebodies first for once, I have never been anyone's first. When they are happy and something great happened I want to be the first one they think to call, when they need to vent or cry I want to be the first one they think of coming to, I want to be the person that someone wants to make happy. I just, it sucks feeling like I am not good enough for anyone yet I would do anything to be good enough, anything. I hate feeling so down, but at this point I can't help it. It has been a long life of trying to fit in and I don't think it will ever happen.

Does anyone else feel this way? Or do you think I am just crazy? I just I need some insight on what I could do differently, how can I become important to someone? I think I am a decent person, I am a good listener, I generally have a positive outlook on life, I like to make people happy so I just don't know what I am doing wrong. I think I am just going to end here. Have a good day everyone!

For now,
Rae