Maybe you can understand?...

So today, someone passed away, again. It was my neighbor, someone who’d known me since birth, a person who was a second mother to me and also my best friend’s mum. The septicemia from a leg wound had infected her blood system causing organ failure. She didn't deserve to go, no good person does. What about serial killers? Why don’t they get taken if there is a supernatural power out there, who really knows if there is or not. Why do those who are only half way through their life with children get taken? Why do those families have to suffer?

It hurts because I loved her like a second mother. You know how there’s that person who mothers you like their own? If my best friend and I weren't at my house with my mum we were at her house with her mum, so in a way, we both had second mums. It hurts. It just does. A person a significant part of your life leaves, which leave me utterly devastated.

Not only am I going through the grief of losing her but reliving the grief of my father. You see, it was like I was living in the past. She was in the Intensive Care Unit just as my dad was, she was in the same ward my dad was, and it was around the same time she passed away as my dad did. I seen her with many machines, on medication, in Induced Acoma before she passed. And then I sat in the quiet room, hearing her daughter scream, and raced to look down the hallway. She had gone.
I sat in the quiet room where I sat after I found out my dad had passed away. And then I had to go down past the room my dad had passed away in, turn off all my emotions just like you’d turn off a light switch. I had to. Even as I went past the room my dad had passed away in.

Don’t you dare cry, don’t you dare cry, you will not cry, not here and not now, I have to be strong for them. Turn your emotions off now! I repeated to myself and probably will, I need to be there for them, for my best friend, I need to be strong for them. I needed and will need to blink back the tears. I will hug them, I will hold them, I will show feeling but I will not break down, I need to be strong.

There counting on you, don’t you dare let them down

For me it’s like grieving two loses, my second mother and my dad. I grieve them both. I see from a different view what it would have been like for everyone else when my dad passed. What they seen, what they heard, everything.

I’m writing this because this is the way to stream my emotions, to explain what’s going on, to try let others understand, because I can’t explain this to my friends, because they don’t understand...
But this isn't about me, it’s about my best friend and her family...

I need to be strong, for them...