Not sure what this is, since I can't find the journal things anymore, I suppose I'll use this.

So..It's been a very long time since I've done anything close to this..Writing my feelings, psh.. What the fuck Zach. You think anyone really cares?
You think anyone SERIOUSLY gives half a damn?
They probably care about you as much as you care about the rest of them...

If that were true.. this world would be a dark place.

So a couple nights ago, I had that dream again.. The same one I've been having for the last three years. Ever since I convinced my parents to take me from the hell they called a heaven.
A military institution, home to the sick (minded), the delinquent, the unstable, the braniacs, and the weak. From what I've heard, the music I listen to and my fashion of choice is shunned by the average Hispanic community... As if I give a SHIT!!

...
Chill.

Well in the two years I lived in that hell.. I was tortured by a large group of Mexicans, I was a shy boy when I arrived at the age of 14, rarely spoke to anyone or..anything for that matter. That place changed me, made me outgoing and alert, and strong..yet at the same time very weak. Being tortured like that..picked on, treated like a dog that everyone wants to put down. Beaten until I bled and cried myself to sleep every night. With wet towels or broken hangers after they stole my shirts.. All because a friend I had who was Hispanic..All because I told him the kind of music I liked..I paid a heavy price for trying to make a friend in an isolated world.

Silently for two years, my mind broke down, rebuilt, shattered, rebuilt and etc. until one times too many it snapped for good.. I bonded with the dark inside me that grew and grew.. The immensity of my rage..to this day makes me shudder and shake with hate for the ones who broke me.
I planned on beating them all to death.. How much fun it would have been to paint myself with their blood....god the excitement it brought me..

Yet I let my revenge squander..I missed my chance..I forced myself to leave them alone. Instead I took out my bottled fury on whoever the hell stood in my way.. To this day..I still get lost in thought..of what my life would be like.if I had just driven my had through their skulls.. All this unfulfilled hatred and regret..this pain I let be for nothing...
...
..

FUCK!!!!
I hate...everything. that breathes.

When I had this dream..it isn't anything specific about those several individuals..it's like being trapped there..and all I'm doing is trying to escape..To no avail. And I always wake up in tears.. I still remember the feeling..Of looking beyond those iron fences and brick walls..seeing civilization..just wanting to run..and go home..and forget about all of it..
Even when I was a weekend..it felt like the Institution was a completely different world..like none of it was real..and then I thought about killing myself every time I walked back through those gates.....

I've been clean of drugs for a good while now..But ever since I have stopped...the dreams are more frequent..and the memories stab deeper than ever.. I feel like a prisoner to my own conscious being
May 15th, 2013 at 12:02pm