i just not sure what to say.

Ive been sitting alone all night, like i always do, watching tv and pondering my worlds many problems. sure the empty feeling of guilt and loneliness get a bit out of hand but what else is there to do when you dwell in your own mind for so many hours? id like to think that most of my problems stem from a rough childhood or the hard changes i went through in my early teens, but that's not the case is it? or is it that most issues we have are already there? they just tend to spring to life when the right trigger is engaged? Ive seen the most sane people in my life reduced to whimpering muttering loons with just the slight provocation, and the most mental become roll models for everyone. take my cutting for example, i don't know why or when i started, I'm not even sure if i had any real reason. all i know is everything burst from the bottle and i grabbed a knife. and its not even that i want to hurt myself, its the discovery of the pain itself that makes it so enticing. for that one moment your blinded of all that bothers you. so many times Ive imagined myself die, what would it feel like? we have no comparison, to feel the bullet enter your skull, or a knife into your heart, or a sword through your body, the curiosity of it is what draws me. and the worst part is, i don't feel pain, no I'm not talking about when you stub your toe, i mean real pain, things that would make grown men bawl just don't seem to phase me. maybe that's why i keep the cuts so shallow, not to cause harm but to experience the pain. Ive tried committing suicide you know, i bleed for quite a while, but when i didn't die i came to a conclusion, what reason do i have to die? what reason do i have to live? what reason do i have not to live? very different questions if you understand the meaning. the answer is always the same, why not? who knows, off to a different topic, and as you may have noticed I'm just typing the thoughts as they come, i don't care if the order makes sense, the order doesn't matter, its the point within the words, the truth in the madness that makes my world go round. i often wished i had someone to talk to about such things in such a way, i suppose that's why I'm writing this, if one of you reads it and understands maybe I'm helping you, or myself, or the next guy you judge without cause, or maybe no one at all. it doesn't really matter in the long run does it? people do what people do because that's who they are, people make the cold calculated decision because they lack the conviction to do what they feel, and people do what they feel because they don't know how else to behave, and here comes my question again, why not? are we all so blind to each other? but then again what does it matter? whom does it concern? why do we act at all? why not? by now you're either bored of my mad ramblings or so entranced by the fact that someone may think the same you do, either way im not sure what to say so i leave you with this to ponder. why not?