Home isn't going to seem like home anymore.

I stayed at my best friend's house last night, while she's out of town visiting her boyfriend in Georgia. She let me because I'm honestly petrified of the idea of going home.

My mom is walking out on my dad today. I don't know what to do. I honestly don't. I feel like she's walking out on me, too, even though she's going to be only fifteen minutes away. And I can't fully blame her; their marriage has been on the rocks for years. I just don't want to deal with this. I don't know how my dad is going to take it, I don't know whats going to happen, I don't know how I'm supposed to face him at this point when I knew it was coming. I just feel like everything is falling apart. Who am I going to stay with, now? How the fuck am I supposed to do holidays? I don't want to meet my mom's fucking boyfriend, I don't want step brothers, I don't want to see my dad and how this has affected him. I don't want to deal with my dad's parents and all the bullshit they're going to start spewing about my mother. I don't want any of this.

And I don't know what to do with it. I really don't. I've never felt so confused, or stressed, or overwhelmed. How am I supposed to go back to that fucking house knowing good and well my mom isn't going to stay there any more, when I have to pass her room on the way to mine every fucking day?

I drank last night, and I'm trying to get a friend to come drink with me again tonight. Because I don't know the proper way to handle this. My sister gets to avoid it all; she lives with her boyfriend, she doesn't live with them, so she gets to avoid the first-hand repercussions of it all.

My head is a complete and utter mess right now. I honestly don't want to get out of this bed. I don't want to move, I don't want to do anything, I don't want to exist. I don't want to face either one of them because I don't know how. I've always kept such an apathetic mask while anything has happened with the family because someone has to be rational and not controlled by emotions, but I don't know how much longer I can do that.

What am I supposed to do?
May 16th, 2013 at 07:24pm