Remembering

I'm back on Mibba again after an extremely long hiatus, I'm writing again and that makes me proud of myself because it means I'm becoming the person I was again.

I completely forgot that Mibba had blog posts, but since I've re-discovered them, you can be expecting a lot more because I need something to organize my thoughts.

Everything is kind of hard because I've been finding lately that the only thing I'm good at is pushing people away. I successfully distanced myself from the boy who means everything to me, and I can feel myself beginning to push away the girl who tries to fix me. It's not their fault. They did no wrong. It's all me because I get so afraid of letting people in and allowing them to care about me.

But I'm trying not to do that anymore.

I'm in love with a boy who will essentially never be mine to make happy. I should be okay with that though, right? Because he's happy and all, but it's hard not to be selfish for once. It kinda really sucks because he's never single for any elongated period of time. By the time I work up the guts to ask him about us, he's moved on to someone new. It's a pretty shitty feeling because I feel like I'm not good enough for him. If I was, he would have asked me to be his by now, right?

But on the other hand we act as if we're together whenever we're around each other. I don't like thinking about any of this. I'd much rather just let what happens happen. I think that the only reason I'm even thinking about this is because he's moving and I won't see him for two years after July. I'm afraid we'll grow apart the way I grew apart with everyone else.

Fuck everything.