Numb

TODAY---I don't feel like there is any point anymore. I mean sure, I have felt like committing before, but have never gone through with it. Or have I?
Honestly, i have put a blade to my skin and left gashes. I have went into the kitchen and swallowed everything i saw. But nothing ever worked. Maybe i should keep trying. Maybe I will. I know I want to. But i know it would mean leaving her alone. Would she be ok without me? I know there are people depending on me. I dont like the pressure. But i take everyone into my own hands on my own account. I deserve all of the pain.
THIS WEEK---This week i have to tell my therapist about the "Sexual Assault". Im not going to. I dont care what anyone says about anything. I have suppressed everything from my childhood. Including that memory. And then that bitch thinks she can come back and bring everything i ever felt back up. I dont like her. And she just wants her paycheck. Fuck her.
LAST NIGHT--- What have i done? I.. Everything is my fault. I could have come over to her house last night, I could have stopped her. I had the chance to go to her. Why didnt i ask my mom to take me when she didnt have her phone. She always has her phone i should have seen something coming. She didnt answer her phone. Im just such a screw up. Why am i throwing my life away? Why didnt i try to do something. I should have helped. Everything is my fault.
JULY--- i hope i can survive until July. thats when warped tour is. I need to go to this concert set because it is the only thing i have to look forward to. I dont know what i would do without it, And i certainly may not make it for so long as to go. I just hope i can withstand the pressure people are putting on me. Im sorry if i go the way no one wants me to. If i kill myself i apologize for any pain that follows. I just cant live knowing someone i love can be so pained and sad. im a failure, i always have been and always will be. Im sorry.