An Update on My "rant and thangs"

This blog is just an update from the last one I made. When I wrote that blog, I was in a bad place. Every now and then I think I’m going to quit writing and focus on my real life. But then I realize one of the reasons I’m alive is because of writing. This website has allowed me to grow. I’m sure many of you remember my work from Quizilla. I look back and I cringe. I was horrible in the beginning. Many don’t know this but I had an account on Quizilla before CharmedLuna. It was called ladybutterfly (yeah I was like eleven or twelve when I made it). My first story ever was a crossover of… wait for it… can you guess? Probably not. Harry Potter and… DIGIMON! Yes, many of you are probably chuckling or snorted. Somehow I crossed over those two completely different things.

Things have changed so much since then, I have changed. Back then my only worry was getting good grades and now I have to get good grades, pay the bills, and somehow still do something that brings me joy. Lately, I have been in a clusterfuck. There are so many things I wanted to do. I want to write, photograph professionally, and bake professionally. But apparently my only option is to become a nurse. I do love medicine. I truly do because at heart I’m one of the biggest medicine nerd you’ll ever meet. But… should I HAVE to do it just because it pays well and is stable? Yes, most likely. But somehow in the last three years I’ve been in community college I have lost the motivation. I still have to pay school with my own money. I don’t have financial aid. I know that I should push myself if I want to get somewhere, but… my insecurities are holding me back.

In high school, wow, I had such high hopes. Now I’m wondering where they all went. I guess I just need to find myself again. Here on Mibba is the only place I can feel like myself. I do love to find new stories to read. I love the people here because in the end we look out for each other. I don’t know when I’ll leave this place, but when I’m ready I will. At this moment, I need it because it’s what keeps me sane.

At the moment I can’t really express what I truly feel. I don’t think I’m depressed. I think I’m just scared of moving forward. I have wanted a chance to do what I want (meaning I have a work permit) but I still feel like I’m being held back by something. I think it’s just me. For example, right now I could be at the financial aid office and asking what can be done for me. I have been here for three years (in community college) and I have no idea where the hell I’m headed. I’m supposed to take my time, but time is money people and it’s getting more and more expensive to continue.

I know my dad wants to help, but he can barely help himself.

Now for the good news. I got hired by Knotts Berry Farms. It’s an amusement park here in Southern California. The background is being done now and after that I should start working. Now, I’m worried about my background check. No, I haven’t killed anyone, but I guess it’ll pop up that I was an immigrant—and still am in a way. I hope it doesn’t affect me. It shouldn’t, but you never know.

I grew up with the fear of Border patrol. I’m still a little scared to go San Diego. The life of an immigrant is not easily forgotten.

Writing this down helps. It truly does. Many of you might have given up reading this far, but if you still are, then I love you.

This is pretty long, haha. So I’ll get to it.

Stories to check out:

Coming Back to Me Now by hachie—it’s written for me because of my birthday that passed, but I swear even if it wasn’t for me I’d recommend it. It’s very emotional and I have a feeling it’s going to be a roller coaster.

One More Night—it’s a co-write and I am loving it. The writing is great, and the transitions between chapters is easy.

Yeah I haven’t been on a story hunt in a while. I think I’ll do that later today.

I think I’m going to go see 30 Seconds to Mars today with a friend. At Jimmy Kimmel Live. It should be fun.

So what is going to happen to my stories? They’ll be all active. They’ll get updated when I’m inspired to write them. I won’t force myself. I’ve tried keeping a schedule, but it doesn’t work well with me.

Anyway, I had a good birthday, so thanks to all whom wished me a happy one. I did have a good time at Pierce the Veil despite the fangirls pushing on my back. I remained on Tony’s side, best side to be one or Jaime’s but never in the middle.