What's Your Life Ambition?

I'm 17 years old. I go to school and I am currently in the process of taking my exams for this year. The amount of times someone's asked me what's your life ambition, is scary. Whether it was phrased as “what do you want to be when you grow up?” back when I was 5, or “what do you want to do with your life?” when I was 15, they always expected it to be something like a teacher or nurse. Cause that's what they want, And it's an easy answer for anyone.

When I was 6 I wanted to be a hairdresser. When I was 10 I wanted to be a lawyer/judge. When I was 12 I wanted to be an author. When I was 15 I wanted to work with children. When I was 16 I had no idea and was panicking. And now that i'm 17 I want something that no one takes seriously, something that cant be studied for, something they say is not a realistic answer.

I want to be happy.

No matter how and what it takes, that's become my ambition, my one true dream that I dare to dream without regret. To many people this has sounded stupid, childish and useless. Money. That should be my dream. A good edjucation and a good job. But that doesn't make one truly happy. Mabey it makes you feel like less of a failure, and like you've done the right thing. But honestly? Does it really? Even if you wake up when you're eighty and realize that you wasted a life time doing what was expected and not what you dreamed? That's my biggest fear. Regret. There's nothing worse.

But how do I go about being happy? Especially since these last five years have been hell to the point of me feeling like life wasn't meant for me. How do you turn depression into happiness? How do you rise above your demons and learn to love life and yourself? How do you allow yourself to fall freely when you're used to clinging to the edge of all your hopelessness? School didn't teach me that, and the flyers and folders for edjucations doesn't have an answer for me.

There's no secret. No magic cure. That was the hard realization I came to. I've spent hours upon hours, night after night, wondering, thinking, crying, holding on. Thinking healing would happen on it's own. I'd grow out of this phase and life would fall into place. But it never did. At one point I didn't know if I was flying or falling. My head was overcrowded, my heart breaking over and over again. I was pinned to the floor of my bedroom, from all the feelings of life being meaningless, and me being useless and worthless.

There was no point to my existence. Questioning anything and everything. Completly overwhelmed. Wave after wave of feeling hopless and lost crashed against me, pulling, pushing, breaking me to pieces. I was drowning in the poison that was my mind. It took me many nights to figure out why I kept sinking lower and lower. It wasn't the fact that life had placed me in a bad situation that had me dying inside. It was the fact that I allowed life to keep me there. I read this amazing thing today and I don't know who said it but it goes

“Even when the world sketches your life out, you still have to color it in”

It's up to me to save myself. So I began the long road of revory, healing and lettting go of all my addictions and thought patterns. Leaving it behind me, so I can move forward. I've been stuck in my mind for so long that my that it was either giving in or letting go. So I finally gave my everything to look towards the future instead of the past. There's been ups and downs, but I knew that would happen when I began this.

I've only been on this path to happiness for one month but I feel happier than ever. I'm not even close to being completely happy, and there's gonna be a lot of complications on the way. Butfor the first time im not scared anymore. Becaues I have faith in myself and there's always a reason to stay, to dream, to be happy. I learned to allow myself to dream. And now i'm following my simple but life changing dream with everything i've got. And in moments of weakness ive begun doing something I never did before.
I breathe.