We are always a part of something bigger aren’t we?
Our surroundings, the people and the weather and the systems, in which we grow accustomed to - the places where we were born and raised and made – the things that are most familiar to us, are the things that shape us and form us the way that we are now, and most possibly, the way we will become.
There will come a time that we realize the way that we’ve been our entire life is not decidedly right, or even enough.
Things will happen and boundaries are crossed and lines re-drawn and deadlines fulfilled and we will find ourselves asking questions that have no answers.
We will always look back, no matter how much we don’t want to or how much we shouldn’t be.
We will always be drawn to the things that are most familiar to us.
The things that made us.
And it’s beautiful, really.
The way we are able to look back and see how and what and why we are the way we are now. The way we are able to look at the raw version of ourselves; that moment of painful clarity.
We were all raw at one point. And along the way we started hiding, with make ups and etiquettes, knee deep in mistakes and pain.
I grew up, I realized, in loneliness. In high expectations and invisible love and criticisms, not from those I loved dearly but from those I did not even know and did not know me. I grew up in competitions and believing harsh words that had no meaning. I grew up in my mom’s stories and goodnight kisses and her uptight rules that I know were only done for my own benefits. I grew up in my dad’s stiff demeanour and awkward affections that I know were his very best effort to show how precious his girls are to him and that he knew most times it didn’t show but he couldn’t help it because that was the way he was made.
I grew up in pointless bickering with my sisters that I sometimes took deeply in my heart and which the scars still remain until today. I grew up believing in Santa and fairies and mermaids and running away into worlds that did not exist. I grew up believing that I was not as special as my mom always told me. I grew up in different places and different communities and always ended up to be the one outside looking in and wanted nothing more than to fit in. I grew up wanting desperately, more than anything to be a part of something bigger, but never felt that I really was.
And eventually I grew up believing that I didn’t matter.
I didn’t know why I was so worried all the time. So eager to be accepted, to be just like anyone else, to be right. I didn’t know why I was so drawn into sadness and loneliness.
I just wanted to feel enough and I didn’t know why I never did.
And I thought, if I could just figure out why, if I could just pin point my flaws and somehow fix them and make them right, maybe I could finally feel enough.
Can you though? Can you fix yourself?
Because now, knowing half the reasons why and learning the answers how, I am still drawn to the things I’m most familiar with. The things that I was born with, raised and made.
And ironically, I don’t really want to be fixed anymore.
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