I just don't know anymore

I'm dying to write something right now, it's just I can't. I guess you can say I'm beginning to feel insecure of my writing, like it's basically crap compared to other's. It's horrible to think that about yourself but I can't help it. Nothing I write is coming out right, it's just so messy and so fucking frustrated.

I don't think it's my writing that's pissing me off, more so it's myself that's pissing me off. I know it's weird to say but I've been feeling, lately I've had this feeling of hatred for myself. I've been feeling like ripping off my own skin or jumping off a 10 story building. I just, I'm getting really tired of everything. I'm getting tired of life because I feel like such a fucking failure. I hear of all these people who are accomplishing such great things in their lives and I'm completely lost and clueless. I'm doing nothing with myself, I have cousins that are achieving great things. Starting a family, moving to costa rica and becoming a fucking math teacher.

And here I am,

Doing nothing.

I don't even know what I want to do with my life. I say I want to write but really I just don't want to live to see the future. I'm really just fucking done with life at this point, I know I won't off myself though. I'm not nearly capable of doing that. Yes I've thought about it, the other night I spent hours sitting with a razor hovering over my wrist thinking, "I can cut just a bit more deeper and bleed out until I die and no one would know because they'd all think I'm asleep."

I didn't act on it though, like I said I wouldn't be able to do it again. What if I fail at that too? I'll admit it, I'm afraid of living as pathetic as that may sound. I feel lonely, frustrated, angry, and I'm wearing this fucking mask that everyone is buying into. I'm all smiles and giggles until I'm alone with my thoughts with my feelings. It makes me laugh at how gullible people can fucking be, no one has noticed. I mean what do I have to do to make people see what's going on? Do I have to have to have a mental breakdown? What do I have to do to make people understand that I'm not happy anymore, that I'm slipping back into depression

And I just feel so pathetic.