nothing's ever worth it.

my dad's a dick. he's cheated on my mother, that i know of, twice ( the first time when my sister and i were toddlers, the second time just about two months ago ).

when he found out that my sister and i knew about the second time all he could say is, "i'm relieved." because now he "doesn't have to pretend," or whatever the fuck that means. when we got pissed at him and told him that our respect for him is pretty much gone, he told us that we're, "overreacting."

to this day he still tries to act like we still like him and that we still have to 'appreciate all he's done for us,' which is, as of late, burning all my mom's money on stupid ass business plans and owing his family members money that he NEVER pays back, and still having the audacity to ask my now poor mom for MORE money for more stupid fucking "business plans".

But that isn't even the point of this blog right now. The point is that I'm never good enough for my fucking dad. [TW: SEXUAL HARASSMENT, INCEST].

i've never wanted to talk about this. i wanted to just push it under the rug and forget it ever happened. even when i tried to open up to my sister about it, she told me she "didn't wanna know," because, appearantly, me having the strength to confide in her of what my dad's done to me is "too disgusting to hear".

i ended up telling my cousin about it, and my sister happened to be there, too. that's when she really found out that when i was a little younger my dad used to sexually harass me.

it started when i was 12. i fell into puberty at 9, so at 12 i was pretty much fully developed. that's when my dad started grabbing my butt and trying to follow the "slopes" of my body with his hands, telling me how "hot and shapely" i am, and started asking to see my breasts when i wore a towel. he'd actually tug at my towel and beg to see me, and he'd do it so adamently that I actually felt guilty when i didn't show him.

i was fucking scared. terrified. i realized that getting close to him meant him sexually harassing me, giving me unsolicited comments about my body, and all this other shit a father shouldn't do to his daughter.

i developed an eating disorder at 12. it stayed with me, haunting me, until i was 16, and it's still bothering the fuck out of me now. since my parents refused to believe that black girl's get eating disorders, they decided to either ignore it or punish me for not eating or over exercising.

i grew a farther distance from my father around this time since it was either him making comments about my body or talking serious shit about other people whenever we hung out. he thought i didn't "love" him, and that's when our arguments escalated.

my father is never proud of me. the only accomplishment i seem to ever have made is having a "hot and shapely body".

he told me i was shit at the piano, so i finally quit; i'd make straight As and he'd never give two fucking shits; i get several awards from my school and everyone in the family congratulates me but him; i try out for teams and he tells me i'm shit at the sports, so i stop trying; i make a 1560 on the SAT because I'm SICK and LITERALLY CLOSE TO PASSING OUT DURING THE TEST and he talks shit behind my back about how even my sister made a better score than him; i do the SAT a second time and get an 1820 and he talks shit behind my back about how '2100' is the 'family benchmark' and he has the audacity to be mad that i didn't tell him my score myself even though i knew if i did, he'd find some way to ridicule me like he does with EVERYTHING ELSE;

and i'm done trying. i'm obviously not worth it to him. i've started worrying about myself, and this seems to make him EVEN MADDER, because appearantly if i'm not trying for his affection i'm being a stuck up, inconsiderate little btich.

well, fuck you dad. with all my heart, FUCK YOU. you've made me feel like absolute SHIT all my life, and i'm tired of crying over you. you always think i'm lying, you don't pick me up after school for National Technical Honors Society because you think i'm a 'liar', leaving me STRANDED there for TWO FUCKING HOURS, and you'd rather fuck about with other woman than take care of your family.

you've made me feel like shit. are you happy now?

i fucking hate myself.