I don't see much beauty now a days. With myself mostly - though the growing animosity I have felt towards people has been one of the main things that still burns brightly in my mind. As someone who is disabled and never given a chance to prove what they can do, I find the world cold and cryptic to those who aren't 'normal'. Do I wish I was normal? Yes. I wish I didn't have muscular Dystrophy. Do I wish I had talent to do something other than write? Yes. I would compete in karate competitions and dance competitions. But my cards were dealt somewhat mediocre. That's not to say that I don't appreciate life but - I just don't see what I once did with people. I use to see the good and never the bad. Now I just see the bad.
However, inside I know I am a good person. Despite being used, despite being kicked to the ground by the majority of society, I am true to who I have always been.
For example my brother found someone's check and handed it to me. It was endorsed and everything. I could of cashed it because it was signed and endorsed on the back. BUT because I am honest, I have the check in my bag and spent the last 3 days trying to get it to it's rightful owner. I called the corporation, and 4 mcdonalds before I finally tracked her down. That was an accomplishment, most wouldn't of put that much effort into finding someone to give them their check back. I even found out from corporate that she didn't even file a lost or missing check! The check was endorsed on the back and signed, anyone could have cashed it. Every mcdonalds I have called told me it was really nice of me to go through all the trouble but really, what am I doing that's so special that any decent human being wouldn't do? When someone loses something, if you find it you give it back. That's what honest people do - are we suddenly a rare breed? I mean have we all REALLY forgotten how to be civilized? I mean - if honesty is such a rarity then why aren't more people honest if it pays in karma? I believe in karma.
Now, her name is Melanie and I have had no luck with Melanies. The only ones I have come across are bitches. Let's hope this one is nice. If I don't get a thank you, that's alright because I did the right thing. It would be nice but I don't expect any appriciation or anything out of doing the right thing. Don't get me wrong, I am a selfish person according to my mother's standards, I'm not but she thinks I am. I dunno, I just feel like I don't have any worth anymore. I feel useless, I feel - used.
There are times where the pain in my feet are so bad that I wish for death, I wish I were never born...but then there are times I see a rainbow, a silver of light that guides me to where I need to be.
Depression is so hard to break through. Especially when you've sunk so low and can't get back up. I'm at that point now. Which is why I haven't been writing, why I've scrapped so many projects. I don't see them as accomplishments, I don't see them as good. I know I'm being a downer but I wish I could get a job, I wish someone out there would hire me...if I had a job and something to do I would be able to get established but no one is hiring and no one wants to hire disabled it seems. I don't know why, because I am equally as hard working as someone who doesn't want the job would be. I could brighten up so many work places - I don't think I'll get the chance...but I guess there is always some hope past gray clouds.
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