I despise it when people say that if you try to commit suicide, you're selfish. I've heard it in real life, on tv, on Tumblr, on Facebook and even on Mibba. It's one of those things that when I hear it I just want to break something or scream or just I don't know, morph into a black hole and suck up everything and eat it like a piece of chocolate cake.
Why do I dislike people saying this so much? Why does it bother me so much that I want to destroy the world in a super-awesome Space style implosion?
Because two months ago I was in hospital because I overdosed.
I have suffered from severe clinical depression for the past eight years as well as an anxiety disorder. I was also diagnosed with PTSD three years ago. The combination of all these things obviously make my life more than a little bit difficult and I have had a lot of shit happening to me and at that point it was all too much.
The thought process I went through was not "Oh lol I don't care about people, I'm so selfish I guess I'll die", don't be stupid. These are mental illnesses I suffer from and they warp the way you think. It makes me at times think that everyone secretly hates me, it makes me think people genuinely want me to die, it makes me believe that people would actually be better off without me. I don't choose to suffer from these things, god no, and I certainly don't choose to think like that.
I am incredibly lucky though because one of my closest friends was at my house and found me, called my best friend and after I threw up and was sobbing over the toilet they took me to the Emergency Room at the hospital. I was hooked up to a drip and heart monitor for hours, had so much blood taken to make sure my liver or kidneys weren't going to fail and the drip stayed on for two days.
Suicide is not something to be romanticised. I suffered from crippling stomach pains after I took the pills, my mouth tasted like ass because of the combination of pills and the throwing up. The stomach pains persisted for a week afterwards, I was so run down I could barely walk. The staff at the hospital were really nice but they had to monitor me and wake me up in the middle of the night to make sure I was still okay and to take more blood. I still have the circular mark on my arm from where the drip was inserted. I had to put up with all my family finding out about how bad my illness was, with my best friends crying and my family crying. But you know what? They never called me selfish, not once. Because I explained to them why I had done it and how I was feeling and they realized it's not so simple that you get to brand someone as selfish for feeling the way they do.
So if you think someone is selfish for something they can't control, then obviously you're very lucky because you've never suffered the way some people do. And you better hope you never do because if you spread that poisonous attitude about it, then there will be nobody to help you if you ever need it.
And if anyone is interested, for the past little while I've been keeping up my recovery Tumblr here. It's only stuff to do with my disorders and recovering and I only follow back similar blogs, but feel free to check it out and maybe learn either what it's like to live this kind of life or learn that you may not be alone in feeling how you feel.
If you sneezed during this blog, bless your face. Peace off~
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