its been exactly a year since i stoped using this site since i lost it and readin my old poems made me realize how much ive change , and i wonder why of all things im still the same like my poems described an empty child crying out in a mirror i feel fine at times happy at that. But i wonder if its true im really happy , im sick? i dont know whats gong on is it teenage years change yet im an 18 year old how could it.
why ? i ask myself i have a wonderful boyfriend yet i push him away he tells me he loves me and i cant say it back... im afraid of saying it. Could it be im not good enough or why im so afraid to let myself go ... why im afraid of commitment.... why is he still with me after i told him... im so scared.. i wonder at times will i end up alone .. will i be successfully yet alone. I dont trust anyone i keep people at hand not to close to touch or get near me ... just company..
i lost the hope of ever finding a friend after one by one my friends decided to leave me one by hurting me gettng a kick of it what hurt more was knowing i knew her since third grade to find out she lways tried to hurt me by taking away the boy i had a crush on or at least tried .. if she couldn't she would tell me things so i would loose hope. My other friend always kept making planes and than end up canceling or making me wait for a long time slowly i pushed her away could it be fate or im ending with such friends ... ive become cold i feel it at times like a robot unfeeling yet i feel hurt but than as if to know when to shut down my body shuts down making go numb .....making me mute..
my other friend promise to stay with me he barge into my life like a hurricane yet left me breaking his promise...than came back all sudden i cant go back is it selfish of me? im mean
why im different whyy..... when did i change
honestly im not complaining if you happened to read this i just have to take out of my system and let it out i been holding it out because who can i tell but only me and this blog...for a year i been holding on to this..and finally after i found my password i began to write
i feel horrible as a human being i hate myself for being weak and not getting my act together im a bad actress even when i smile my eyes say otherwise ive seen pictures all of them lifeless. How can i be different ...why cant i be brave and break out why do i let out and society to crush me...when will i spread my wing and fly
~blog of a girl alone in her room~
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