Y'know, I'm actually a really antisocial person. You'd think the opposite because I put so much damn time into the way I look and I literally work night and day to find clothes in weird places because I can't afford to buy them for retail price, but I've had the same two friends for my entire life, and I don't think I know how to make more friends.
It's not like I don't know how to act around people, because I do, and I'm actually a fairly well-liked person, it's just that I don't want to put the effort into maintaining a friendship with someone new. It's awkward and frustrating and usually not worth my time when I can call up one of my other two friends and go hang out with them, skipping all the dumb "getting to know you" bullshit. However, in recent times I've been going out less and less because my one friend has an eating disorder and shuts herself out from everyone, and my other friend has overbearing parents that don't let her do shit. I have more fucking friends on the Internet than I do in real life.
So that leaves me here, on the internet of course, pretending to be a much more interesting person than I actually am, with a lot more life experience than I actually have. That's my thing, I think it actually really bothers me that I don't have a social life, so I trick myself into believing it doesn't by making up shit on the internet, and really just keeping out that I really have nothing that I'm currently living for besides the hope of a better future. But of course, a better future would actually require me to put away the weed and get off my lazy ass, so it's probably not going to happen any time soon.
Then there's the thing with sex and relationships, or shall I say lackthereof. I'm just gonna put it out there plain and simple because hey, none of you know me, so what do I have to lose? I have an incredibly high sex drive, and sex is something I'm always thinking about. Keep in mind, the last time I had any sort of sexual activity was when I was in the goddamn 7th grade, and at that time I was going through the inevitable "7th grade emo phase" so I was as awkward and unattractive as hell, and it makes me wonder why I'm not getting anything now that my looks have drastically improved. And it's becoming a pretty big problem for me, because like I said, high sex drive, and I'm not just gonna go hook up with anything that moves. For someone who gets so little, I actually have pretty high standards.
I think my issue is I'm too afraid to put myself out there. Like, I need to stop waiting around for the guy to make the first move. I'm even too fucking afraid to add this one guy I'm extremely attracted to on Facebook. Speaking of which, maybe I'll go do that after I've finished writing this. But probably not. I'll just keep putting it off.
So yeah, I have a lot more I could say about all this and things related to it, but I don't really feel like it. Maybe later.
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