lonely nights by the laptop.

I had my heart broken today.

Today was the first time this has ever happened, and I pray to God it never happens again but I don't think I could get through having this emotions overwhelm me another time.

It started with a text.

Oh, modern technology, how I despise you so...

All it was, was I sent the wrong text to the wrong person.

My best friend, Kobe, is the sun and the moon to me. He's gotten me through so much, he's the love of my life. He has a girlfriend. He's absolutely enamored with her. Not me. He's in love with her. Not me. I had been talking to another friend of mine about how I had such strong feelings for him and wished I could say something but feared it would ruin our friendship because I didn't want to get between him and Karmen.

Oh modern technology, how I loathe you.

I sent the text without realizing who it was going to, but it was already too late. The text was sent. It was swimming through the sky in airwaves, going straight to his old little flip phone. God, how could I be so stupid?!

We talked about it. I told him all I could, how I cared about him so much, how I loved being around him because he always made me so happy, how I was tired of it being Karmen and Kobe and wanted it to be Bri and Kobe.

God, how could I be so stupid?!

He told me he returned the feelings of holding an attraction for me, but--

there's that goddamn but that always makes my hopes fall faster than ten tons of concrete

--he loved Karmen and didn't want to hurt her if we tried anything or broke with her after they had been dating for so long.

He asked if we could still be friends and, dear god if we didn't stay friends I don't think I could be here right now to type this. This boy is the reason I get up every morning and pray I'll get up the next morning. He means so much to me.

And I'm just the best friend.

I'm the one that has to sit there and listen to him talk about her like she's his sun and moon.
I'm the one that has to sit there and listen to him talk about what he'll get her for their anniversary,
or how well the dinner with her parents went,
or how she likes when he surprises her at work,
or how she says "I love you" at the end of their phone calls.

I'm the one that has to be the best friend that sits there and takes it because that's what best friends do, no matter what. We sit there, and we take the shit they give us because they do the same. And now...

Now I've lost faith in myself.

Am I not pretty enough? Am I not funny enough? Smart enough? Too smart? Too funny? Too fat? To clingy?

Too worthless?

Am I so not worth love that even my best friend can't love me?

I know when he's lying, I'm his best friend. He was lying to me when he said he returned the attraction. He only wanted me to feel better and it only made me feel worse.

How could I be so fucking stupid?!

I've ruined a friendship I don't think I could live without.

And I know others will say I just have to wait, and that I'll find the right one, and that I just have to be patient and keep a look out but Mr. Right.

BUT I'M TIRED OF WAITING.
I'M TIRED OF BEING SOME GIRL IN THE HALLWAY.
I'M TIRED OF BEING LONELY.

I'm so lonely...

I want to give up on love, because I never want to feel this way again, but I want someone to call mine.

I want someone that will let me hold their hand just so I can make sure they're there.
I want someone that will kiss me on the head as we watch movies together.
I want someone that will let me dream of a Star Wars themed wedding.
I want someone that will sit there and laugh at me as I make faces going through the pain of getting more tattoos.

I want someone.

Guy, girl, man, woman, male, female.

I DON'T CARE.

I just want someone. I've waited long enough for my first kiss. Now I'm starting to question what the purpose in keeping a first kiss sacred is...

It's just a kiss. A single moment where two lips touch. Where you're supposed to feel "sparks" and "tingles" or feel braces or gum or just feel nothing at all but chapped skin on yours.

I'm lonely. And I'm sick and tired of being lonely.

It's just my laptop and me again, tonight, but the worn keys and the click of them as I type doesn't make up for the beat of his heart in my ear as I fall asleep on him, and the warmth of the processor in overdrive as I scroll through Tumblr doesn't make up for the heat of his arms holding me in one of his amazing hugs, and the quick time consumption of the internet and social medias doesn't make up for the endless afternoons we spend together roaming around our small Southern town in my crappy car, listening to my many CDs and cracking stupid jokes.

I've broken something unbreakable, and nothing can fix it.

I've lost faith in myself, and I think everyone else has too.