Oh grief

Grief is a long time enemy of mine. It likes to show up just when things are becoming good. Five years ago, my father became very ill causing him to be left only a small part of his small intestine. Along with his problem with his stomach, he is a diabetic and his numbers were in the range of 800-1000. They were so high that they couldn’t read them in the ambulance. They gave him the night to live if he was lucky. yet, he survived. He had only been in the hospital for 11 days and that is all. He should have died.
June 5th. My father was back in the hospital. This time was different. I was no longer an eleven year old girl who needed to be sheltered from the real and tragic facts. I’ll save you the grotesque details, but my father should, once again, be dead. His numbers were very very high. They were in the thousands. He was in a medically induced coma for a week. He is getting better everyday and more like my dad as the seconds pass. There is one thing that isn’t getting better though. He is blind now. They don’t if it is permanent. It’s a 50-50 shot.

How am I dealing with the fact that my dad might not be able to physically see me graduate?
How am I dealing with the fact that my dad may never actually see me on my wedding day at some point?
How am I dealing with the fact that I was in the waiting room down the hall when they thought he was going to die just by doctors putting in a breathing tube?

I’m not. I try to suppress it. I focus on staying strong for my family. I have to be. So i’m swallowing my grief. It’s bottling up everyday that I don’t deal with it. It’s like I’m a ticking time bomb of my emotions and grief. One day, I’ll just crack and not know what to do. Until then though, you might not even know that anything is wrong.