Just Venting...

I just need to vent.

Sometimes I just feel so awkward. Like no matter what I do I don't feel right in my own skin. I suppose that's normal in a way. No one is completely satisfied in their own skin. I mean there are people who are satisfied, but I always seem to find that there's at least one thing we can all say that we would change about ourselves.

Like I wish I wasn't so damn emotional. I'm always crying. ALWAYS! Over the tiniest things I cry like a little blubbering baby. Right now I'm fighting tears because there's an episode of Army Wives playing on Netflix – the one where the Hump Bar blew up for those who watch.

I wish that I wasn't addicted to food. I hate the way people look at me. I hate the way people judge me because I am obese. I've heard the whispers and seen comments plastered online once. It's not something that can be easily erased. So I turned to food for comfort.

I wish I wasn't a horrible friend. I haven't spoken to a friend I once considered to be a sister to me in almost a year. Not because we had a fight or anything, but because I just haven't made the effort. Everyday I tell myself that I will text her or send her an email, but nothing yet. I mean there has to be something wrong with me, right?

I hate my father. I hate the man sometimes with a passion. I hate him and everything that he did before I was born. I hate that I look like him. I hate that he didn't give a damn about having a relationship with me until I in college. I hate that he blames my mother for my hatred of him and yet. I want a relationship with him. It's just that every time I call him to chat and open up the doorway I get hurt. He's my father. He's the one man whose not supposed to hurt me. For the first time in almost a year I called him and we talked for almost ten minutes I thought there was something good happening until he called me by his other daughter's name. He didn't know a “Christie,” he didn't know me.

I wish that I wasn't so needy and afraid all the time. I hate being the one that constantly needs someone yet I hate it when other people do it. I'm afraid to lose the one friend that I do have left. I'm constantly trying to keep in contact with her, but I feel like we're drifting apart. Even though we probably aren't. She's just been the only person who's been there for me when I needed someone the most. She was the one to pull me out of the dark when I wanted to end it all. She wouldn't let me and without her I don't know what I'd do.

I just wish I could feel normal.