I Just Want To Start Over

Have you ever just felt like you don't know which way is up. You're literally spiraling through a sea of bullshit and honest to God just don't which rabbit hole you fell into?

That is my life, all the time.

24/7 I am constantly getting hurt, screwed over, confused, or all of the the above.

My relationship status is perpetually "I'm fucking single"

I just graduated college with my Associates Degree in Photography.

I'm stuck working a part time job and barely living paycheck to paycheck, and my hours just got cut because of Obamacare so I can't get more than 27 hours/week now anyways...

Life is a shit storm.

I have so much to say yet i don't really know how to say any of it. i'm trying to treate this like a stream of consciousness so excuse the typo's, I'm not even looking at the screen at this point.

I just want to be happy, regardless of what that means. I want to be able to wake up with a smile on my face and just be geuinely happy for once.

I don't want to worry about bills or where my next meal is going to come from, I don't want to worry about being a burden to my parents, because I feel like I'm holding them back by still living at home...

I feel like a failure and I just don't know. I turned 20 on June seventeenth and I mean, okay. I get it. Twenty isn't old. But I feel like I'm not young anymore. I need to move on with my life and take real responsibility. But I don't know how. I don't know how to find a real job, find a purpose...

My entire life I've been coddled and babied, and I guess that's okay for some people but I feel like I'm severely underprepared for the real world. My family isn't rich but I definitely have never done without anything in my entire life. And I just don't know how I'm going to cope with having to do without. When I move out, I want to be on my own. I don't want to depend on my Mom and Dad to help pay my rent. That's not fucking independent.

That's a kid playing dressup in a grown up's life. That's bullshit. That is a copout.

I don't want to be an extra burden on my family anymore.

Most of all though I don't want to waste my life. I just spent 2 years slaving away on a major that I can't even put to good use right now. I have my third wedding to shoot tomorrow but I'm literally only getting 300$ from that. I guess you have to start somewhere but fuck my time is worth more than 300$....

I just worry, about my future.
Will I have to worry about making fucking ends meet for the rest of my life?

For once, in my entire fucking life, I just want to not have to worry about where my money is going to come from or if I'm going to be able to afford gas to get to work.

The American Dream, I guess, right?

Fuck the American dream.
Fuck the dream all together.

I just want to survive in one piece, out of debt.

But then again, I'm not fucking sure if that's going to happen either.

So many demons and so much gossip haunts me in this fucking town; in this fucking state.

I just want to move somewhere totally different, find a good paying job, and start the fuck over.

I just want to start over.