Then, suddenly, I got a comment like this:
As you can see, this person was not only giving me positive things, but she also gave some hardcore advice. Some of it could have been taken wrong (i.e. "your sentence structure and grammar is a MESS"). And when I read it, I wanted to cry.
- Quote
- I like the idea for this story. It's very novel- I can honestly say that I've never read anything like it. Though, I have been considering writing something like this for a long time. I'm just impressed that you've got the guts to do something like this, addressing such a major issue in today's society.
But, despite how much I enjoy the plot, I must say you're sentence structure and grammar is a MESS. Not that you're dumb or anything, but it seems as though you don't proof read and edit. The first two chapters were such a mess, I dared not to even TRY to state my opinion. I recommend you go back and put breaks in the paragraphs and correct some things. I have noticed the improvement in chapters three and four- but some of the paragraphs run together and need to be separated. But they're a lot better than the beginning two chapters.
In chapter three:
I understand what you’re trying to do, you’re trying to break the stereotype and show that blacks are just as intelligent, but when Troy’s sister called him a ‘brute’ it made the entire paragraph awkward. Just because they’re black AND smart, it doesn’t mean they’re going to use terminology from a previous century.
Combust means to burst into flames or to be consumed by fire, so when you said spontaniously combust into flames it was redundant.
Chapter four: The wording is awkward. For example: ‘nor’. This is a very modern story working with a very modern plot. Kids today rarely use such words.
‘Paser-byer’ Isn’t a word. It’s passer-by.
…showing his huge muscles, tattoo, and unsightly body hair, and loose blue jeans omit the first and.
He didn’t really mind them and said nothing when people ridiculed them.That didn’t exactly make sense; perhaps it would be better if you replaced ‘and’ with ‘but’.
I flipped my bangs out of my hair I’m assuming you meant ‘I flipped my bangs out of my face’?
…camel-colored cargos I don’t know if this is a mistake or if it was intentional. For some reason I’m assuming you meant caramel, but I might be wrong. It made me LOL nonetheless. Because camel is such a random animal.
The over use of ‘pops’ annoyed me. I feel as though it should be capitalized, though it’s not a rule. But you’re referring to a person, so perhaps it IS a rule. I’m not sure. ‘Pops’ looks better and seems more grammatically correct.
and then began to lightly job my way towards the stone steps -cough- JOG.
“Gonna lock me us up and put us in jail? Huh? Huh?”Choose which one you’d like to use. ‘Me’ or ‘Us’. Can’t have both.
…before leaving his house or trailer park or ditch or where ever he lived. This was worded awkwardly. The profuse amount of ‘or’s bothered me.
Damn; I was getting later and later nowadays. I appreciate how you’re trying to use the semicolon; it gives writing depth and texture. But you used it incorrectly. A semicolon is used between closely related independent clauses not conjoined with a coordinating conjunction. Examples: "I went to the basketball court; I was told it was closed for cleaning."
"I told Ben he's running for the hills; I wonder if he knew I was joking."
"Nothing is true; everything is permitted."
"A man chooses; a slave obeys."
…walking wide-legged so his jeans wouldn’t inch down anymore than it already was. Than THEY. Pants are plural. So, it would be ‘so his jeans wouldn’t inch down any more than they already were.’.
He motioned towards a lanky freshman, whom was stuck… Who. Not whom. Who.
Anyhow, I sincerely hope you correct your story. I enjoy it far too much to hate it. As I said, I do like it. I enjoy the plot and the storyline- I just wish you'd put a bit more effort into the presentation. I know you're eager to post something, I too fall victim to that, but remember to edit and proof read. People don't like reading things that they have to correct in their head in order to understand- and i had to do that a LOT. I feel as though your story would be MUCH more popular if you'd just fix some things.
Anyway, I hope you don't take my help as offensive. I only take the time to comment this long on a story i'm REALLY, REALLY interested in.
I can't wait for an update :)
Not because I was mad. Not because I thought this person was being an ass. But because I was upset and frustrated at myself. Because no one else prior to this was giving me hardcore advice and doing nothing but trying to please me, I didn't see all of the mistakes I had, and I thought I was a genius author.
This person and I went back and forth, them pointing out extra things and giving me the push I need, and me fixing everything accordingly and thanking them for their help. It was nice to see that somebody cared so much for my story that they pointed out everything that was wonky and urged me to fix it so they could enjoy my story better. It's refreshing.
So, to get to the point, tough love is still love. Too many times to count I've seen people on here get aggressive and mean at people who're trying to help them better their story, and too many times to count have I seen the people who tried to help stop helping people because they were afraid of being lashed out at.
Don't be a person who shoots rainbows up people's asses because you don't want to offend. Don't be a person who gets mad at people who're just trying to help you, because they really do enjoy your work and want it to be the best it can be. Tough love is still love.
If this person I talked about is still on here and catching up with me, thank you. You're the best and you've made me a better writer and proofreader.