Sick of this so called life

Today has been a low day for me. I've been having a lot lately, but this one has stood out to me.

I have been trying relentlessly to find paid work, but none ever comes, no one is looking to hire a single mother who can only do certain hours.

Everybody looks at me, and they see a scrounger, they see a woman who is complete scum. She has a kid, is on her own, is on benefits. They see me as they see the stereotypes. They see a greasy haired, scruffy scrounger who is more interested in cigarettes, alcohol and drugs than her child and finding work. Even though I am the complete opposite of that. It brings me down, it really brings me down. I feel awful that I bring in no money. I feel like the worst mother in the world because I feel like I can't provide for my son. I feel like a complete failure. Especially with the way people around me (mainly other mothers at the school) make me feel. I've lost count of the times I've cried over how I feel. It's every single day. I'm barely sleeping and when I do sleep, it's on my mind. I don't manage to sleep until gone 2am and even after that, I don't stay asleep for long. My eating is all over the place too.

But I'm not a stereotypical scrounger. I do voluntary work, I have handed out over 90 CVs now. I have heard back from just one place, just one. And it was a rejection. How shit is that? Shows how much of an unwanted failure I am. But, I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't do drugs, I'm straight edge. Its something I'm really proud of yet I feel penalised for it. I have no social life, I don't have nights off like other parents. Everything I do is for my son. He gets all of the shoes, clothes, TV channels he likes, everything. I get my mums hand me downs despite the fact shes 5 sizes bigger than me, I have one pair of shoes that I've had for a year, they're falling apart but I can't afford any more. Yes I have my dance shoes and my stage and performance and ice skating stuff, but my mum buys all of that for me. That makes me feel awful. And now, because my son is five, the benefits were stopped. I lost everything, I had to re apply for it all. It means I can't afford to pay my rent in a few weeks, or my bills. I can't afford food either, I had to go to the food bank today, and it felt shit. I felt so fucking low, it made me feel so pathetic becaise it just backed up the fact that I can't provide for my son.

I hate my life. This is what you get when you escape from an abusive man, a kid and a world full of shit.

If this is all there is, then I really don't know if I can stick around much longer.