I'm baaaaaack!

I've returned to Mibba. Okay, so I was only gone for a little while, but over the past few weeks I have not spent a whole heck of a lot of time on Mibba. I've been busy with my rotation, so I didn't have a lot of free time. I'm on my off rotation now, though, so I have plenty of free time to catch up on all my favorite stories. I have to say I kind of like it this way- go away for a few weeks, then come back to catch up- because I don't have to agonize over when the next update to stories will happen.

Now that I have 5 weeks of freedom, I think I really am going to try to tackle my first story. I started it a few months ago and I just haven't been able to work on it. Plus, the few times I've sat down to work on it I really have stressed out over how it will be received. It is my first story, so it will probably not be that good. Even though I know that in advance, I'm so scared of what people will have to say about it and how it will be criticized. That really has held me back from making much progress on it.

I just got back yesterday from a weekend getaway to Gatlinburg, TN. I had so much fun, but the fun was bittersweet. I begged my fiance for months (literally since January, when I last went to Gatlinburg) to go to Gatlinburg. I knew that Jimmy's drum kit from the 2008 Taste of Chaos tour was hanging in the Hard Rock Cafe in Gatlinburg and I wanted to see it so badly. So, the first thing we set off to do on Saturday was to eat at the Hard Rock. Even though I knew it would be hard to be so close to something that was Jimmy's, I didn't realize just how hard it would be. As soon as we placed our orders, I went off to search for his kit. I found it in the first place I looked- up the stairs. Something had drawn me to the stairs from the moment we walked into the restaurant. As soon as I saw it, I felt like the wind was knocked out of me. I took pictures of the kit over and over, each one more blurry than the next because my hands were shaking so badly. I decided to join my fiance at our table to eat and then go back and see it before we left.

After eating, I made a beeline for the stairs again. I asked my fiance to take the pictures this time so that they wouldn't be so blurry. I simply stood there with tears in my eyes, reading over and over what Jimmy had written on the drums ("2 the Mufuckin' Hard Rock! the Rev"). Memorizing his signature. Reading and re-reading the plaque that explained whose drums those were and when they were used. Just as we were about to leave, an employee came down the stairs. He said that those drums were his favorite piece in the entire restaurant. He said that they had been given to them just months before we lost him. I just nodded like an idiot because I didn't think I could manage to say anything without breaking down and crying. Seeing those drums is something I won't ever forget and I know I'll have to live through that pain again when I see his drums in the Hard Rock hotel in Vegas at the end of next month. I couldn't stop thinking about Jimmy the entire trip. I even wished for Jimmy to come back to life on a wishbone. Yes, as childish as this may sound, I wished on a wishbone. We went to the Dixie Stampede for dinner and my fiance found the wishbone in his chicken. As we were tugging on it, all I could think was how much I wish Jimmy was alive again. I ended up with the longer piece of the wishbone. When my fiance later asked if I had gotten what I wished for, I replied that it would never happen. And here I am again, in tears, wishing with all my heart that things were different, that he was still alive. I feel crazy for being so heartbroken over someone I never knew personally. I feel like that insane fan. Either way, I can't seem to stop thinking about him since seeing the kit.

I've also not been able to stop wishing I lived in California. It is hot as hell here in Virginia. I keep looking at the forecast for Huntington Beach and it looks so nice. I keep wishing I could finish school quickly and then run away to the West Coast. Honestly, I have seriously considered doing just that. It makes me feel bad, because my fiance has been so good to me and is such a nice guy. There's just something that tells me that we won't work out. Maybe I should break it off. I'm scared to, though. I'm scared of being alone. All I can think of is how much easier my life would be if I could just leave this all behind and start fresh in California- in say, Costa Mesa or Huntington Beach. I will say that this kind of thinking is the inspiration for my first story. Hopefully I can make my story come to life soon- and hopefully someone will want to read it!

xoxo!