I Feel Like I'm Digging Myself Into A Hole.

Hey guys, so today I've decided to just share my feelings and give you guys a little insight on how I'm feeling and what's going on in my head. Maybe some of you have felt this way or something similar to this.

Alright, I'm not really sure how to speak about this because I've never talked to anyone about this before so ill just come straight out and hope all of this makes sense.

I feel so alone sometimes. I also guess you could say I'm a bit hot-headed and the smallest thing can piss me off. I'm over dramatic/ over emotional sometimes and I can get pissed at nothing at all.

Now, let me go into depth about some of the things I listed above:
  • I feel so alone:
    I guess this kinda speaks for itself and it doesn't. Now that school is over and I'm not interacting with lots of people on a daily basis, I feel more alone than usual. BUT I will tell you that I don't really like my school and I HATE almost everyone there. I know hate is a strong word but I really hate the school, most of the people and just everything about my city and my state. My friend Taylor has blown me off about 2 or 3 times already. But the most fucked up part about it is that she asked ME to hang out with HER!!

    WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK TAYLOR!! That pisses me off. We were on the phone laughing and stuff and we were talking about what we could do that didn't involve money because we're both broke as a joke right now. She tells me that she has to talk to her mom (about what she didn't say) and said shed call me back.

    She didn't call. She texted me. We didn't even have a real conversation. This is how it went:

    Her: Heaven (then she did this little emoji sunrise thing)
    Me: Lol yeah?
    Her: (she did this little emoji with tears running down both sides of the face)
    Me: (I did this emoji that looks scared)
    Her: (she did the cry face again)
    Me: What's wrong?
    And then she didn't text back.

    About 15 minutes later or something she send me a picture of her boyfriend in the car. So I text her in all caps saying "SO YOU DITCHED ME!?!" To which she replied "my mom just picked him up" an I said "wow thanks mom" and she again, didn't reply.

    Let it be known I don't like her boyfriend at all. He's a little douchebag.

    Also, no one ever calls me or texts me. I can tell you I have about 20 contacts in my phone. Most of them are family and a few are "friends". Taylor NEVER answers the phone when I call. It's very rare we actually talk on the phone. Which sucks because I LOVEEE talking on the phone instead of texting. I like hearing people's voices. Lol that sounds creepy.
    I'm over dramatic/emotional sometimes:
    Sometimes I just feel like crying. It don't even need a reason ill just start crying. Or if I see and extremely hot guy ill start crying. If I hear a really good song, ill start crying. I went to the doctors after not going for almost 3 and a half years and the doctors asked me if I had trouble sleeping or if I was depressed. My mom automatically said "She doesn't have anything to be depressed about" when in all actuality I don't know if I'm depressed or not. I think I might be. Who the hell knows. So I just played it off as if I was fine.

    I regret that so much because I think something may actually be wrong with me. Just like my family thought I was trying to kill myself when I did the salt and ice challenge. Now let me say this, I did lnt know what would happen. I was talking to me friend at the time and he told me to do it, so being the stupid 7th grader I was, I tried it. I didn't think I was doing it correctly so I did it at least 3 times at once. Nothing happened so I just deemed it as stupid.

    Boy was I wrong. As I was taking my pizza rolls out of the oven, my writing started to burn. It hurt like hell. My skin rose up at least 2 inches and I'm not over exaggerating at all. It started to go down some and tuned this nasty purple brown color. It's the exact shape of the ice cube as well. It then started to peel, and now I have this scar for the rest of my life. I did a good job hiding it but soon my grandmother and aunt saw it. They made me call my mom and tell her.

    My mom was pissed. Now let me say this, I did this before it was on the news and it got really popular on YouTube and what not. So when my aunt looked it up, it didn't say anything about it being a challenge. You know what it said? It said that mental patience did it to harm themselves and to try to end their lives. It's a chemical burn. So, with reading that, they thought I was trying to end my own life. I WAS NOT TRYING TO KILL MYSELF. Yet they didn't really believe me. That really hurt.
  • I'm always the odd one out:
    I have this small group of "friends". I'd say I HAD a small group of friends because next school year, I might not talk to them at all. This group consisted of me, Mercedes, Erica, and Evelyn. Although this doesn't matter, they're all white and I'm mixed although you wouldn't be able to tell from how dark my skin tone is. Whatever.

    I was the freshman and they were sohpmores. Erica and I have lived in this city longer than Mercedes and Evelyn. Erica ha lived here her whole life and I've live here for almost 4 years. Mer and Evelyn just moved here this year. Which would bring them to be closer than the rest of us.

    Mercedes and Evelyn are always up each others asses am it gets on my nerves. I guess you could say that me mer and Erica are the "originals" in the group only because Evelyn came into the school later in the year.

    Now let this be said, I don't like Erica that much. She complains a lot and she a follower and a poser and I don't like that. So when Evelyn an Mercedes would try to stick me with her so they could be together, I would end up blowing up on Erica and telling her to piss off and leave me alone. I've said mean things to her a few times but that's just how I am. If I have a problem I will address it straight to you instead of going to the other two of the group and talking shit on you with them.
Well, this is long enough and even if no one reads this, I guess it was nice to get this out somewhere. I think I might start a blog on blog spot or something. Eh sounds like a winner I guess.

If you did read this thanks for that. I do appreciate it.

Bye loves,
Heaven

P.S.: This is a repost. My blog was taken down peaches I said the word "Ass" in the title. Since when is ass a bad word. Just another word for donkey is you ask me.
June 26th, 2013 at 04:23am