What If I Were Gone Tomorrow?

Now this blog may seem like a "fishing for compliments" type of blog...and well...maybe it is in a sense...but it will also be quite emotional and heart felt too. I want all of you lovely people who read my blogs, stories, ravings and etc...to know that I love you and truly appreciate you. In fact...sometimes I sit around and will think of one of you specifically at the time and I will smile and think of all the ways you've made my life...happier and more worth living everyday.

It's true. The kind words and support from you people has truly enriched and brightened my life/world. I know that I may never meet some of you personally...but that really doesn't matter to me. Every time you write a story, leave a comment, or write a blog about yourself on here, you share a little piece of yourself and personality with the rest of us.

You imprint yourself on us all. Mibba has honestly become a part of my daily life and routine. In the morning when I wake up at 6AM bright and early...I check my Mibba on my phone before going into work. It really helps me get going and most of the time...it gives me a positive outlook on the day.

Most all of you who talk to me give me kind words and loving comments. I thank you all for that. I try my very best to be respectful and kind to all of you. I...just...love you. Some of you have been a better friend to me than a lot of the friends I've had in real life. We are all a part of this community and we are family. I look forward to what you guys will say next. I've almost come to rely on what some of you all think.

Now on to my main topic of this blog......What if I were gone tomorrow? What if I never signed back in because something happened to me or I just simply decided to tell you guys that I just can't write anymore and I'm giving up? I really wouldn't do that to you all though. I will admit that some days I get into this mood where I'm all like, "What if I left? Would anyone care? Would anyone even miss my stories? What if I just stop writing altogether? My writing is crap, crap, crap!"

I feel like this a lot lately. I feel like my writing is crap. You all tell me it's not and I know that deep down I should believe you. I just...I will get excited about a new story, post it and put effort into it and when someone doesn't like it or people don't respond how they used to on my stories...I feel just....crushed.

I know that I need to write for myself. I do most of the time...but I've come to rely on your amazing comments and feedback to inspire me because I've looked to you guys so long in that aspect. I want to keep writing. In fact...when I'm alone and working on a new chapter update...I feel HAPPY and in LOVE with the chapter. Then I'll post it on here and BAM, I think it's instant shit and start second guessing myself especially if someone leaves me a controversial comment.

Some of you have told me in the past that you look forward to my blogs especially and are excited to see what I'll say next. This fact really puts a smile on my face. I am honored to know that you guys value what I have to say that much. I try to speak my true opinion in a way that everyone will understand or can relate to. I do try to respect people who disagree with me as well. Not everyone will like me. Not everyone will like my writing. I need to like it for myself. I know this...it's just that sometimes....it's hard. I lose inspiration and confidence in myself so easily anymore.

I just feel....lost and like a shell of a person these days. I don't know how to fix it. I do want to know how you would feel or react if I were to just up and disappear one day. I know that it's a horrible thing to ask...but I just need to feel....loved right now. I need to feel admired and wanted. I normally don't seek attention but right now...I just..need it. There is just this big hole inside of me right now. I feel fucking lonely and it's not going away. I honestly don't know what it is or why I feel that way.

It's not my husband....he still treats me great. It's not you guys because you treat me more than great and I love you all for that. I just...WANT TO UNDERSTAND so that I can start fixing myself. I feel like I need a savior who will never come. I feel like I'm fading away. I keep trying to grab onto myself and try to keep myself steady....but stability seems so far out of my reach. Sigh...I'm making myself sad again. What's happening to me? I need....help.