Right now I feel like I'm holding on really really hard to an invisible rope. It's like it's not there physically but it's there in my mind and if I let this rope slip from my mind I'm going to fall really far really fast. Horrible metaphor, but that's the best way I can describe it.
This year, I've taken a ridiculously long hiatus from Mibba. If I get my way, that will never ever happen again. But I need somewhere to rant about all the things that have happened over the past few months. Feel free to ignore this. It's just a whole lot of me feeling sorry for myself.
To begin, there was a guy. Three guys, actually. And while I almost decided to write about each of them in turn, I've decided that I only want to talk about the last.
I was fairly certain that I was never going to meet a guy who was going to like me for me. I didn't think I was going to meet someone who could make me laugh and think, someone whose story would inspire me and make me cry at the same time. And then I did.
And at first I wasn't interested. I just thought, he's really sweet and we could be really good friends. But there was something about him. And so finally I broke my own rule. I'd told myself I was swearing off boys because I had gotten so used to guys who lost interest after a while. But not him. And so he asked and I said yes.
He was my first real boyfriend. He was my first kiss. He was the first person to make me feel like I wasn't a screw up, the first to make me feel beautiful. But of course with anything that seems good there are problems. And at first it seemed that we had only three.
1. The first was that everyone thought we were a bad idea, which wasn't a big deal, because neither of us really cares much what anyone else has to say. We were happy and people saw that and they backed off. They all thought we wouldn't last but only a few would dare say that because they could see. We were happy. I was completely and totally happy for the first time in months.
2. The second was that my mother didn't approve. That was a much bigger deal. She didn't like it. He's two years older than me and I am "immature, irresponsible and untrustworthy." It was like being punched in the stomach. But my mother refuses to see me for who I am and only sees what she wants to see in me. Or better put, she sees everything that she can hate about who I am. So I figured my dad who knows me better than anyone will be able to talk some sense into her. But he agreed with her! And it hurt. More than anything it hurt. But he and I were going to work through it or around it, if necessary. I was going to convince her and it was all going to be okay.
The kicker is that she still doesn't know. She still thinks we were friends with mutual feelings for each other, she doesn't know that we were dating. And when I brought up the fact that I liked him, she got upset because she felt like I was hiding things from her.
Just as some background, he and I began to get to know each other on May 21st. We spent days getting to know each other, finding out all the little things there were to know. Favorite movie, favorite food, favorite TV show, favorite musicians etc. My birthday was May 24th, a Friday. We spent that entire weekend talking all day, everyday. One night we stayed up till 2:30 in the morning sharing things we'd only ever talked about with our best friends, our fears and secrets. By the end of the conversation I was crying because I couldn't believe that he'd trusted me with the things he told me and I couldn't believe all that I'd told him. And I was so unbelievably happy. He asked me out on May 29th, a Wednesday. You can tell me all you want that that isn't enough time to get to know someone, but he knows me better than most of the people who have known me for years. But yeah, Wednesday, May 29th. And school let out on June 7th.
3. Our final problem was summer. When school left out, we went through the "I miss you's" and the "I can't wait to see you again's" but we knew we wouldn't see each other over the summer. We're both so busy. But I held on for as long as I could, replaying every touch, every hug, every kiss, every moment in my head. And then on June 10th, it happened. He thought we should "remove the label" for the summer because it would "be a test" since we'd only been dating two weeks and we would "restart" at the beginning of the year. And suddenly everything changed. Suddenly I went from feeling like I was important to him to feeling like I was the girl he wasted his time on or the girl he kept around just in case things didn't work out with the other girls he was flirting with. But we kept at it. We talked almost everyday and I tried my hardest to start a conversation and hold his interest. After a while it no longer worked. I thought he was thinking of himself as single, but apparently he still felt like he was attached to me in some way because...
Yesterday he texted me saying he needed to tell me something important. The gist was:
1. He didn't want to be in a relationship anymore.
2. It's not me, it's him.
3. He felt like he rushed into it.
4. I am a "stellar amazing girl."
5. He hopes I find someone better than him that my mother approves of.
And I thanked him for being honest with me. And that was the end. Today I texted him thanking him, basically for being my first kiss, first real boyfriend. And once again that was basically the end of our conversation.
It's all over. After two weeks, my first real relationship is over. I've been trying to prove to everyone that I'm a big girl and I know what I'm doing, that I can handle myself. But now I'm falling apart. I promised myself when I was little that I would never cry over a boy but that's all that I feel like doing right now. And I promised my best friend -- several of my friends, actually -- that I wouldn't get hurt, and for their sake, I'm telling lies in text messages, saying that I'm fine, even relieved. But right now I feel slightly broken and I don't know what to do, because I feel like I've given myself too much credit. I feel like I'm not as strong as I thought I was.
And I'm not going to say we were in love or anything like that. But we felt right. We just felt right. And today would have been our one month anniversary if we'd stayed together. I feel stupid. And like everything is wrong. And now I have to suck it up and put a fucking smile on my face because no one in my family even knew that we were dating and no one in the world can know how upset I am and why am I crying right now?
I'm done now. I promise. I hope you didn't waste your time reading this, it was really just supposed to be something to make me feel better... Hopefully it will start working in the next few hours. I love you all. It feels really good to finally be back.
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