Anxiety Attacks, Ghosts, and "Selling Out"

So I have a few things I wanted to talk about here. I’ll discuss the one that mostly pertains to this site first just because that sort of makes sense, doesn’t it? Yeah, I think so. If you’re friends with me on here or if you read any of my stuff you know I have quite a few stories posted on here. Lately it’s been taking me awhile to update some of them and for awhile there I was letting them slip until it was almost a month since they’d been updated. I had people asking if I’d forgotten about the stories and telling me to update but there’s something that you have to understand here. Yes, I do like to update every week or so if I can because I don’t like leaving my readers hanging for a month or more, I really don’t. However, lately things are getting tough for me, as they do for everyone sometimes, and I just need a bit of a break sometimes. That’s not saying I’m going to not update my stories for months, because I’m not, but sometimes I need to take a 20 day break between chapters because updating every week or two can be difficult. I work on the weekends and I’m either babysitting or doing yard work on the weekdays, so the only times I can really update are late at night. This is mainly because that’s also the only time I really find to write. Chances are if you see an update from me I just finished writing that chapter right before I posted it because that’s how I work. So yes, lately things have been slow and I’m sorry to keep you waiting, but I’ve been under a lot of stress for personal reasons lately and that leads to very bad panic/anxiety attacks that have taken their toll on me. I’m just too exhausted, mentally and physically, to get some new chapters up. I did update recently on a couple stories; thankfully I had some chapters written out for them. But all the same, everyone needs to take a breather from time-to-time. I’m not sure why I felt like I had to explain this, I just did. I haven’t forgotten, I never forget. But I just have to take a day or two with my health in mind for a break.

So anyway, now that that’s out of the way, let’s talk about some more random crap, shall we? Random crap is always nice to hear about sometimes. Recently I went out to a nearby ghost town with friends and I snapped some pictures inside the old buildings. When I was editing them and making them look nice for my Facebook page, I came across some odd things. I don’t know if you believe in ghosts or not, and I’m not even sure if I do 100%, but this shook me up a bit. In three of the pictures there were floating orbs. Two of these pictures I took one right after the other and the orb, although hard to see (I didn’t notice it until after I’d edited them and uploaded them to Facebook) appears to be moving. In the other picture I got the orb is more solid. I tried to debunk it as a hole in the wall, as a matter of fact, and I couldn’t. I compared it to other holes in the walls in other pictures and they were solid, bright white. This orb is a milky white with a blurry outline. Now, I don’t know if I really believe in ghosts; I mean I watch Ghost Adventures religiously on TV and some of the stuff they capture is undeniable, so I sort of believe, but at the same time I think I need to have an experience of my own to really, really believe. And I don’t mean some orbs captured on a camera. I mean an actual spirit voice, or an apparition or something. That’s not saying I want to have one of these experiences, either. I’d shit myself on the spot if I saw someone appear and then disappear or caught a “GET OUT” on my digital recorder. It’s interesting to think about though. Spooky, yes, but also very interesting…

This blog entry is really going to show how random my mind is. I should’ve warned you to prepare yourself when you started reading, if you even bothered to make it this far. Anyway, as I’m writing this I’m watching YouTube videos in my subscriptions box. I don’t know if any of you watch the Shaytards on YouTube (they’re a daily vlog family—the dad is Shay Carl) but that’s what I’m currently watching. I like their vlogs because they always make me smile. Anyway, in today’s vlog Shay is addressing some negative comments he got on the previous vlog, where he’d said something along the lines of “if you flip burgers for a living I think that’s selling out because you’re not doing what really makes you happy.” Of course he didn’t mean it in the way everyone took it. But at the start of the video he mentioned Green Day. He said the first time he heard the term “selling out” was when Green Day got big and were on MTV etc., and his punk rocker brother and his friends said Green Day were sell outs. Shay said he didn’t get it because how could they be selling out if they’re gaining popularity and fans and are becoming known worldwide? How could that possibly be a bad thing? That was always my view on it, too. I hated when people would tell me that Green Day sold out after Dookie or American Idiot, depending on their stance, because it just didn’t make sense. They’re gaining fans and popularity and selling records and going double platinum and all of these amazing things…how could that be bad? Why are people calling Billie Joe a “whiny bitch” when he’s so many people’s hero, including mine? Does that make me a whiny bitch, too? Does that make me a sell out because I listen to Green Day? Were the Sex Pistols called sell outs because their bassist committed suicide and everyone heard about it? I realize the punk scene kind of started underground, as this secret sort of movement that would gradually pick up speed to start a revolution among young adults. But just because a band is a punk band that doesn’t mean they can’t ever have success because it breaks some ridiculous rules that some tripped-out acid head came up with. The punk scene to me was always focused on rebellion and turning the world on its head to reveal the disgusting grime under its fingernails. Well, tell me how exactly that’s going to be possible if its all underground forever? How can we make any movements if we don’t let our voices be heard? I was just a kid when Green Day hit it big with Dookie, so I don’t know of the exact rift it had in punk society, but I would’ve been happy. I would’ve called it a step towards the goal. Green Day’s lyrics have always held a sort of truth that no one really has the balls to say out loud. It makes people realize that there’s always something bigger going on. Another thing is people saying that Green Day aren’t punk rock anymore. They’re “pop punk” or “political rock.” That is the biggest load of bullshit in my opinion. Yes, after American Idiot they changed their sound a little, but it’s not fucking pop music. Fuck your pop music bullshit. If you listen to the lyrics of a Green Day song and compare it to the lyrics of a goddamn Justin Timberlake song or some radio sludge, you’ll see the blatant difference between the two. I understand pop punk is a thing—All Time Low, Fall Out Boy, etc., but to me Green Day are not pop punk. They are different than the other pop punk bands in my opinion. They’re still punk rock to me. They still speak a truth that no one else speaks. I’m probably either not making sense or pissing people off now but goddamn it that angers me. So I can type my thoughts as they come to me if I want. I never asked anyone to agree with me, either.

As far as what I think the term selling out means, well I kind of agree with Shay. If you sit in a greasy fast food joint (for example) flipping burgers and dealing with picky customers when you’d rather be writing a novel or teaching a class, then that is selling out in a way. You’re selling yourself short and letting the world kick your ass because you don’t have the right mindset. If you think “My life sucks and I’ll never get out of this rut and I’ll just be working fast food for the rest of my life” then your misery is no one’s fault but your own. You can work in fast food for a few years and have a plan and that’s fine. You can work there for the moment and get money to pay the bills and then go to school after awhile and do everything you dreamed of doing. It just takes patience and a clear idea of what you want. But if you refuse to give yourself the credit then that’s pretty sad. And also I don’t think anyone can deny that some celebrity who makes an appearance somewhere and uses their whole time to promote their products or their books if that wasn’t what the appearance was completely intended for is totally selling out. That should go without explanation. I mean just think about it.

Wow so yeah I’m done. I need to sleep. I’m sore and wiped out and I work tomorrow. Hopefully after that I’ll find the time to write and I’ll feel better about it. I’m sorry I’m taking so long to update sometimes. I really try hard for you guys, believe me. It’s just that this month has been a bit brutal for me. But come July I’ll be back on track, I hope, and giving you the amazing content that you subscribed to read. Thank you for sticking by me and being as patient as you can be. I appreciate it. You mean a lot to me.
June 30th, 2013 at 07:37am