The Mother

At times I find myself incapable of scraping together enough sympathy/empathy for my mother. Half of me feels horrible guilt for this, but the other half just shrugs and says 'you give what you get'.

Lately she's been putting me down a lot. At every turn she's trying to convince me that the whole world is laughing at me, that people think I'm bizarre, that no one will ever like me. She makes me feel ugly and weird and unworthy. Even if all those things are true, I believe the role of the parent is to nourish a healthy mind and spirit, not to tear down the progress I've been struggling to make. She's always dismissed my problems with "Your life begins at 18", she's always harshly reprimanded me when I expressed any emotion that inconvenienced her. She's quick to mock when I'm "bitching" yet flies off the handle in psychopathic fits that lead anyone in earshot to believe she has some sort of neurological problem that causes her to behave erratically, illogically, hostilely, unintelligibly, etc.

I don't go out much, but it seems every time I do she makes it a point to turn it into a negative experience. I honestly think she's too stupid and reckless to fully comprehend the havoc she's reeking. I just want to grab her by her shoulders, shake her, and demand, "Do you honestly think constantly making fun of your kid is going to positively effect their social, emotional, and mental health??"

She once told me to kill myself, you know. After calling me a worthless lazy junkie.
I was already in tears, begging for her to stop yelling over me and just listen because I wanted to die, and she said "if you want to kill yourself, fine, kill yourself" along with something to the effect of "I wash my hands with you" before leaving me alone to, presumably, slit my wrists with a lady shaver.

Yeah, and she wonders why I don't talk to her about anything ever.

It's just getting harder and harder for me to bottle up these feelings. I want a therapist, but the last one I had sided with me instead of my mom and consequently suddenly no longer accepted our insurance, or some equally inane lie. I'm just so sick of my problems not mattering. I'm so sick of my mother attacking my entire identity and still expecting me to laugh along. I'm fucking sick and tired of her excuses, of her stupidity, and her unwillingness to fucking educate herself. You know she's never read a god damn book in her adult life? And then she dismisses my frustration with her inability to understand what we're talking about by saying "I DONT KNOW"