family matters

So... i've had a rough few days. i'll start from the begininng.

On Wednesday, my mom wanted to go to the beach on Thursday, but I said I was having a friend over, my best friend, and i haven't seen her in several weeks. Thursday, mother was grumbling all day about me being selfish and not letting me do anything with my friend. Eventually at the end of the day I couldn't hold back and exploded. Now i'm grounded from basically everything (but she didn't take my phone away so I will continue to update. yay.)

Thursday my friend spent the night and Mom wanted to go to the beach friday. We did, we got up around 10 and began driving up around 12. Now, you have to know that my family doesn't do well with plans and usually what ends up happening is my dad yelling and screaming at my brother and sister because they're "doing something wrong" or whatever. As well, my dad thinks just about everything besides his opinions and actions are wrong and if he catches someone doing anything he doesn't like, he will yell and bitch and scream and sometimes get physical with us. I hate how he treats my brother (who is special needs) but everytime I try to explain how I feel I get bitched at.

Anyway, on the drive up to the beach, at 26 Mile (And I live at about the equivalent of -20 so it's about an hour drive) I've got my headphones in my ears because family activities suck and I've never been one of those people, and my dad begins complaining about me being antisocial. Now i've always got a comeback or some sass I can throw at him, but I usually hold back 'cause it makes things worse. Well, I didn't. This time I brought up the fact that he's the problem and my depression and anxiety isn't going to get better because of family activities and it's actually making me worse. WELL.

He didn't really like that.

We did finally make it to the beach and I didn't go in the water all day because of personal reasons. I barely took my shirt off and when I did these really attractive guys would take glances at me. My dad decided, hey, let's yell at the 'pedophiles' (who were only 17) and cause a scene for EVERYONE to look at.

I started crying and then dad yelled at me to grow up and "stop being so fucking emotional".

Now we came back from the beach and we had to stop at the grocery store, everyone is sunburned and irritated and bleh and my mom needed something or whatever, and we're walking in Meijer and some guy tries to give my mom a slip to win a free shopping spree. She says no. He tries again. She says no, again. Finally after the fifth time she decides, "hey let's go off on this guy and create a scene and it doesn't matter what my daughter thinks because this situation is annoying me".

I held it together, until we were in detroit and Mockingbird by Eminem came on my headphones. We had just passed 8 mile. I let a few tears past and yet again, dad called me an emotional prick who needs to learn how to keep it together.

When we finally crossed the border and got home, I ran upstairs and broke down, I couldn't see straight and packed everything I owned into a bag. It's sitting at the foot of my bed waiting for me to grab it and run. I swear, if one more thing happens I will not hesitate to grab that bag and never come back.

My house is too overwhelming for me. It's not a safe environment for someone like me, and the only person I truly like in this house, is, well, no one. My brother is probably the only one I'll spend time with and even then his personality and disorder become too much for me to handle.

So there was little to no point to this blog, however I can't talk to any of my friends about this because they don't understand and will tell me to suck it up. Okay. If anyone's read this all thanks for being curious and just, I love you. Okay bye.