I don't know what in the hell is wrong with me. I don't know what came over me and got me to cut myself in a fucking parking lot but I did it. And I felt better, and I can't take that thought. I haven't cut myself since I was in the eighth grade and about to kill myself. I got over my depression by myself and lived and thrived and now I feel like i'm falling slowly back to square one.

I was in the parking lot waiting to go see that horror movie The Conjuring. I felt like crap, I just wanted to go home and lay in bed, cry for awhile, and then do it all over again. But I had dragged myself out and went to the movie with my friends. Oh, excuse me, friends. Or those beings I supposedly call friends.

As I sat there waiting for them in the parking lot an overwhelming feeling of panic came over me and I felt like I couldn't breathe. I didn't know what to do so I did everything. I chewed gum, I listened to music, I left and went to get a drink at the gas station hoping that walking for a minute would make it better. But nothing did and then while I was digging through my bag I found the pocket knife I ironically kept for safety. I thought it would work and it did. The pain brought me back and I felt better and ashamed and then my friends showed up and we saw the movie. I had a fine enough time.

It's been a week since that's happened and since then I went to the fair, got ditched by my friends and then yelled at for leaving them after they ditched me. Publicly put down on Facebook by those friends even though they hadn't mentioned my name (thanks guys), and left alone with my thoughts while I stare at the wound that's slowly healing into the thirteenth scar on my forearm, the one I swore I would never have.

And to top it all off, I know for a fact that nearly everyone in my house has seen the cut and haven't said anything. They don't care. And i'm feeling even more alone than before. Even crazier too. I don't know how I haven't cut again because it's just like eighth grade all over again, only the people I had are against me and the others know about it but don't give a shit.
July 28th, 2013 at 04:24am