What Suicide Leaves Behind

So my best friend and boyfriend of two years committed suicide on January 9 of this year. It's been rough. There's a lot that is crushing about the whole situation. I was the only one who knew he was suffering from depression. I tried to get him help, but he refused to see a therapist, so instead I made him promise me that should he feel like taking his life, he would call me. Which he did. And then one night his phone wasn't available and he took that opportunity to take his life. So even sometimes when people say "It's not your fault." I still feel as though it is.

What I really just want to get out right now is what suicide leaves behind. Anguish. Heartbreak. Confusion. I've been through the wringer emotionally. I think of Ty often, with happy memories. Sometimes, though, I go down a not-so-great road and I start thinking of the "why's" behind it and the "what if's". That's when feelings of anger and sadness turn up. Anger is the hardest one to explain, but what it comes down is anger for him bailing on me. He had so much ahead of him. And then that infuriating thought that if he IS here doing some stupid guardian angel bullshit, I hate that too. So he could stand to be here just not as an entity I could touch?! BULLSHIT. But then the idea that he isn't having my back is more crushing than that.

I think he is here, keeping an eye out for me--I believe this primarily because some weird shit has happened that is inexplicable. I just get so upset sometimes with the idea that if he's here being a guardian angel and all, I can't touch him. Or see him. Or anything. Mostly, though, I find comfort in the idea that he's still here.

So, sorry about the sad post, but I had to get it out.

If you want to see what Ty looked like, there's a photo of him on my profile page.