Life

There's not much privacy on these like there used to be. When we had journals, I could put my stuff to where only I could see it, or only friends could see it. Now, everyone has to see it if I wish to write a blog on here.

Just 3 months ago, we thought my mom was going to be fine. Just 3 months ago, we thought the preventative chemo for a cancer that was declared surgically removed was making her weaker. We thought the chemo was responsible for her weight loss and for her weakness. Once her back started hurting, I know something was wrong. She went to the doctor's many times, only for them to give her pain medicine. They thought she was having a bad reaction to the chemo. When she first started it in September, it made her so weak that they had to remove one of the types of chemo and reduce the others by 1/3. She got better after that. Until her back started causing her pain.

It only got bad at night. She'd wander the house around 1 in the morning, sit on the couch, and wait for the pain medicine to kick in. I'd go downstairs and rub her back. It seemed to help. We all thought she'd gain the weight back once the chemo was done. That's not what happened. It got worse. And I kept urging my dad to do something about it. To be straight forward with the doctors so that they would do something other than mask a growing problem, but the doctors were baffled. We made it to my niece's graduation at the end of May. Even though her back caused her immense pain, she wanted to be there for my niece. She wasn't able to make it to the actual ceremony, but my sister recording it through her iPad for her to watch.

I never thought that would be the last time she'd be up there. When we got back home, my dad found a back specialist who recommended injections. He thought the problem was her weight loss and her arthritis. The arthritis couldn't have caused so much pain, but the loss of fat protecting the nerves of the spine was a possibility. We set up the date. She went into the hospital the afternoon that my boyfriend, who had been living with us for 10 months, went back to help his mother move. I still regret how I snapped at her for going upstairs that day and throwing away things in his room, things she didn't realise were valuable, such as the love letter he wrote for me. I was so upset that it was missing. We finally found it in the trash after looking for 20 minutes. If I had known how everything would have ended up, I would have been grateful that she was even able to go up the stairs.

We were all so excited that something was finally going to be done when she got to the hospital. It wasn't a very good one, though. Not many people, and we had to wait in the emergency room for 5 hours before she could get a room. Her back pain had gotten really bad then. She didn't know to notify the nurses to give her something. It was so painful to see her hunched over in pain and knowing there was nothing I could do. Nothing any of her loved ones could do.

Within the next couple of days, the nurses discovered that she wasn't having bowel movements. They planned an endoscopy. The doctor said there was an obstruction in the stomach. We all wanted her to be moved to the hospital she had first been in for her colon surgery, so she was moved back. It is much closer to the house. Only 15 minutes away. The other hospital was 40 minutes away.

These doctors did a CAT scan and decided that there wasn't an obstruction of the stomach, but a mass pressing against the intestines. They said it was about 5 centimeters and that there might be a partial obstruction of the stomach. She had a tube in her nose from the other hospital that went into her stomach to pull out the bile. It had been collecting there, causing her to feel full for who knows how long.

With the stronger pain medicine and the tubing, she started feeling better. Her colon surgeon said that she was going to go home and get her strength back so that they could start chemo and get her better. Shrink the mass and then surgically remove it.

One night, I stayed up there late, after my dad and brother had left. It was 9:30 or so at night. Mom and I had a great time. We were joking around about dad and my brother. Laughing at what was on the tv. I can't even remember all that we said, but we were both so happy. I gave her legs, feet, and arms a massage. I knew she liked it and it helped with the circulation. It was such a happy time, and it was probably our last. I wish I had known, or I would have never left that night.

Before she was let out of the hospital, she was still very weak. They wouldn't let her go to a rehabilitation center because she had walked 20 feet by herself, which was not true. She had help. We took her home and for a day or two, she was okay. I worked on painting her a picture of the lighthouse she grew up by as a small child. The Portland Maine. She loved it. I worked on it for hours and didn't want her to go to sleep until it was done.

My niece Ashley was very upset that night and was texting her. Mom called her, and she was crying. She told her she was going to get better because she had a wedding to go to. Her wedding is next year.

My mom looked almost normal sitting on the couch with two of her good friends next to her when I came home from class that week. I wanted to pretend she was fine.

I'm too tired to continue for tonight. I will finish the other part of my life tomorrow.