This is all so confusing, and ultimately I need advice...

I don't know what came over me after I helped my sister with her wedding, (which was beautiful by the way). I got home and was instantly in a bad mood. I didn't know why at first, I just felt like moping around and drowning in self pity. Then it hit me. All of my relationships have been a bust. I was with one guy for two years, had a kid with him (totally not planned, but that is a story all in itself.), and planned on marrying him. I thought I was going to be with this guy for the rest of my life. Then it all went downhill. We fought, and nothing we tried seemed to make the relationship work. So we ended it. It has been almost 3 years since the major breakup that lead to the ultimate decision to break it off. Since then, I've been in some short bullshit relationships that never really meant anything and other than that I was really just having one night stands, and had no emotional connection. (Nothing I am proud of, but it was something I have learned from)

After the realization that the one night stands were something I didn't need to continue, I found refuge in one guy and found I fell for him too fast. On and off talking, dating, and friends with benefits for about a year, I finally got over him and let myself drift away from him. Although that was just recently (about 4 months ago). I figured I wasn't suited for a relationship at this time in my life and just needed to focus on my kid and my school.

But then I get close to this guy I had a big crush on when working at my first job. We got to know each other again, and hung out twice before I let my biggest weakness set in and we slept together. Every time after that when we were together, that was all it was. Hanging out, and then ultimately, sex. But I was content with that. The friends with benefits thing was ok with me, or so I thought. I asked too soon about a relationship, but in all honesty, I just wanted to know where he stood. That fucked shit all up and now he won't talk to me. And good lord, I can't help but hate myself for messing things up. He is a good match for me and I honestly feel that I am for him too. But now that I messed it up, I feel like I just broke up with someone. I constantly wish I didn't say anything and things continued the way they were. I regret everything I said to make him stop talking to me, because I think it was my fault in not wording it right. I would do anything to get this guy to be mine, but I don't understand why. We never had anything, we probably were never going to be anything, but it still hurts like hell. That confuses the hell out of me.

After seeing my sister get married, I realized I want that. I want the love between me and whoever my soul mate is, to spark when we're together, I want to find someone perfect for me, and eventually marry him. But I can't help but wonder why I can't find it. Why do I feel this way about guys who really don't mean much to me? Why do I let myself get so involved emotionally when I used to be able to block it out when it came to one night stands? It doesn't make a lick of sense to me and I hate it. I get so attached, even though I warn myself over and over to not & I try to keep my guard up but it falters. I've gotten emotionally involved in two guys since the one-night stands and didn't mean to. Is there something wrong with me? I have no idea. I just absolutely DESPISE the waiting game and hate the thought that there is no one out there for me.

Sure, I'm only 19. Whatever. But it has been 3 years since my one and only SERIOUS relationship, which I know in my heart, full on, will never work out. I see him and my blood just boils and I can't help but hate him. We've tried getting back together, but it always ends the same—catastrophe.

I've seen so many couples falter and fall and I don't want that. I want to continue on this path God has chosen for me but it is making it so difficult without someone there by my side, helping me through it. I crave companionship but can't find it. I honestly need some serious advice on how to cope with all of these emotions and thoughts running through my head constantly. Can anyone help by shedding a little light on this predicament? I just don't know what is wrong with me...