Ok, so first of all, this is going to be a very long, deep and personal blog entry because this is the only place where I can get everything off my chest and nobody knows me in real life. Opinions or something would be nice, but really I just have to let this out because it's too much for me to keep inside. Since I promised it would stay between me and him, I can't tell anyone in real life. Also, changing his name just 'cause.
Background info:
I've been dating my boyfriend, "Chase", for almost 6 months now. He's a really sweet guy, and honestly the best boyfriend I've ever had. My first serious boyfriend lasted 2 years, and I was never as in love with that guy as I am with Chase. He's honestly my first love, even though he's definitely not my first boyfriend. He treats me amazingly and just yeah. Our relationship is almost perfect; almost being the key word there.
He's had a really rough childhood. Like super rough. He has four siblings (three sisters, one brother) and they all have different dads except two of them. None of them know their dads'. His mom's been on welfare since he was born (he's the oldest). She was in jail for a while when he was little and so he lived with his grandparents for a few years. The oldest sister and his brother are the two who share the same dad. Their father sexually abused him as well as physically assaulted him for years. He used to pop Chase's shoulders out of place so that he couldn't get away and then would just have his way with him. He still has problems with his shoulders to this day because of it and can't play the sports he wants for fear of injuring himself. His mother eventually did leave that man and moved here, to my city, where they currently live.
His brother, the son of that horrible man, doesn't live with him and their mother. He did for a while, but apparently his mother used to abuse him constantly and he now lives with his aunt. I wasn't even aware of the fact that he had a brother until about a month ago. They never mention him, there's no pictures of him in the house whatsoever, there is absolutely no evidence that this child even exists.
Chase did a lot of drugs, and I mean a fucking lot to try and forget all of this pain. Crack, meth, speed, e, acid... and probably more. He's been stabbed and was on probation for stabbing the same guy back. He's done a lot of bad shit in the past, but he's completely different now. He doesn't do any drugs, except smoke weed which I do, too and see no problem with. He's calm, he's gentle, he has a job and he works hard, he's polite. He's perfect in my eyes and we've talked about his past plenty of times, he's even cried in front of me. I'm not one to judge and I know the only reason he did all of that was because of all the terrible shit he's been through. I, myself, have done drugs and so I can kind of understand where he's coming from. You just want to forget.
Anyways, needless to say I have a hate on for his mother. She treats him horribly, she's a slut, she thinks she's better than everyone in this world when in reality she's probably the lowest of the low. I only say this because I love him and cannot believe what he had to go through because of this woman. I feel this need to protect him as best as I can, it's just instinct. She's never told him that she loves him, never shown affection. She's just a horrible mother who needs to keep her legs closed.
So, the other night I told her off because I just couldn't keep it inside anymore. That's my man! I'm going to stick up for him. She now hates me and I'm banished from her house, but I never go over there anyways. In fact, I rarely see her so it's no big loss. My whole point to this was what he told me last night. She brought up that she has papers over him, and I paid no attention to that. I just thought she was rambling on about some shit I didn't care about. We were laying in bed, both lost in thought when I heard sniffling. So I turn my head and he's laying there crying. Obviously startled, I asked him why he was crying and he wouldn't answer.
So, I hugged him and again asked him what was wrong. He took forever to answer, and when he did, he just said "I fucked up" I had no idea what he was talking about, I thought maybe he felt bad that his mom and I had it out, so I asked him to explain. He told me that when he was 14, he was fucked up on all kinds of drugs and while high as shit, he sexually molested his little brother. He said he doesn't remember doing it at all, but he still took the blame for it and that was what his mother was talking about with the "papers".
I told him I didn't care about his past, because he's changed. The man I know now would never do something like that. He's someone who makes me feel warm and safe, and someone who I can trust. He doesn't do drugs anymore, he doesn't get in trouble anymore. And psychologically, it makes sense to me why he would do something like that. I mean, he was high, so his mind was altered drastically. His brother is the son of the man who molested and abused him. In his frame of mind, he probably didn't see his brother, he saw that man. To him, in that state, he wasn't hurting his brother, he was hurting the man who hurt him. He was getting revenge.
Which, I know doesn't make it any better. But I understand. And he was deeply upset about this, he cried for a good hour and just kept repeating that he fucked up.
I'm obviously not breaking up with him, because I love him and we have a really good relationship. Like I said, it's almost perfect. I just had to get this off my chest, considering how big it is. He asked me not to tell anyone, hence the change of the name and why I'm writing it here instead of telling someone I know.
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