I'm not an object.

Okay, let me just warn you... this will be an angry rant. Key word being angry; extremely angry. But before I start that I will give all of you readers a small introduction so maybe you can understand both sides a little more.

I am 1/4th Hungarian, people who don't want to see it won't see it but I do have a different skin color than the average “white” female. I wear normal clothes, like any girl my age – I probably dress a bit more appropriate even.

With normal clothes I mean that my dresses come well under my butt and my short shorts are always halfway down my thigh. I never wear crop tops or something that’s cut too deep on the side or front.

I would love to wear everything I want but like any eighteen year old girl I am a bit insecure about my body but the main reason I don’t wear every single thing I want to wear is because of the way I am treated when I go outside.

Over the past couple of years I’ve had to accept so many insults that men throw at me that make me feel less of a woman; it makes me feel as if I’m nothing but an object and a whore and it is incredibly hurtful.

Let me explain some of these situations to you… at the age of thirteen I’m walking home from my acting class, it’s the middle of winter so obviously I was dressed well. I was wearing boots with a heel, a jeans covered by a long jacket which reached to my knees and a thick scarf on top of that covering half of my face.

As I crossed the street, I saw a man look at me so I pulled out my earphone because I figured he wanted to ask me something. That wasn’t the case, he held eye contact with me until I passed him then muttered “Whore” to me.
I took it, I was too young to say something back although it hurt me badly. I went home and straight to my mother’s room and simply cried, I cried because I felt so worthless. This wasn’t the first time something like this happened.

At the age of thirteen I had a whole list of experiences like this and now looking back on it five years later I can tell myself I never deserved those things. It wasn’t until I was sixteen that I started wearing dresses, skirts en short shorts – because at that age I finally realized that it wasn’t my fault men looked at me that way or treated me that way and I just had to dress how I wanted to because I knew that wasn’t an inappropriate way to walk down the streets!

What I’ve noticed is that over the years these men have become more and more shameless, to the point that they will point to their crotch while calling after me. Men who could be my fucking father.

Another example would be something that happened a couple of months ago. I was riding my bicycle home to my dorm; again wearing normal jeans and a hoodie. A couple of boys, they were nothing but teenage little boys driven by their hormones but that doesn’t justify what they did to make me feel like less of a human being… A couple of boys, I think there were like ten noticed me driving on the other side of the street.
They began hitting each other, pointing towards me to make sure everyone in the group had seen me. They started making kissy-faces towards me, some of them even put two of their fingers next to their mouth, licking in between them as if they’d want to eat me out. When I ignored all of that, out of the corner of my eye I saw them running across the street.

At that moment all the anger I had was gone because fear had taken control over my body. I was scared that they were coming after me and I hurried towards my dorm, luckily I was near – but let’s just say I didn’t feel safe that night.

Not even a week later, a similar thing happened. This time it was a man in a car, he was driving in the wrong direction to get closer to me… hanging his head out the window, eyeing me up and down and eventually made a U-turn and parked in front of my house. Once again, I didn’t feel safe.

Not only are these men making me feel like crap, making me feel useless and worthless – they are scaring me. I am scared because what if one of them chooses that just annoying me isn’t enough? Where is the line between harassment and rape? Because honestly when an old man calls after me and looks me up and down and points to his crotch… I feel abused already.

These are all things that happen when I’m alone – but it didn’t stay that way, they started becoming more and more shameless as I said before. Even when I’m walking down the street with my mother by my side!

They hang their heads out of their window, making faces at me… they’ll call after me… everything. No fucking shame. AND I’M SUPPOSED TO TAKE IT BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT OUR SOCIETY HAS BECOME?!

I’m not even that much of a fucking feminist… but I do want some respect! This isn’t just in my city, it happens wherever I go in Belgium… it happens to me in New York when I’m on vacation, it happens to me anywhere, anytime and any place – no matter the company.

I’m sick of being told that I can’t do anything about it. Even my own sister keeps coming up with excuses for them. For once… I just want someone to be on my side in this and tell me that it’s okay, it’s not my fault… because I can’t take it anymore.

I’m hurt, I’m scared and most of all scarred by this. How am I supposed to feel worthy when no one treats me that way?
August 6th, 2013 at 12:21pm