My struggle

PTSD. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It's the back bone of my mentality. When I went to school, I was bullied to the brink of suicide. I tried it, it didn't work. But it wasn't just bullying at school, this happened outside school, they made sure I couldn't leave my house. My dad even caught one person trying to break into my bedroom.

For years, more than a decade, the right help hadn't been there.

I had my first nervous break down whrn I was 13, the doctor did nothing.

I went with absolutely no help for the rest of my teen life. Got left alone to battle with eating disorders, insomnia, suicidal thoughts. I self harmed on a daily basis, for a little while I spiralled out of control mentally. I lied about absolutely everything, and by everything, I mean everything. Some of the lies got me into such extreme trouble that not even my family believed me. I just had 3 people, all boys, who I knew I could be truthful to. One of those boys, Nate, I became extremely close to. Some people went 'oh its because he wants to get in your pants'. But he never did. When I got raped by a boyfriend, Nate was the first one to go and beat him up, while he was working Nate was high at the time. He came down fucking quick when he heard what had happened. So it's safe to say Nate has been my rock for a long time.

But anyway, getting back on track with this.

I ran away from home at 19. Then suddenly got the job of my dreams, and settled. Unfortunately I met an alcoholic abusive prick who got me pregnant and wanted me dead. So I came back home, ask me about that I will talk very openly.

But what I'm talking about now, I'm not so open about. Right now I just need to get at least some of it out.

So, my mentality was just all over the place. Finally when I was nearly 21, the doctor signed me off of work with depression, and sent me to counselling. The counsellor didnt listen to a word I had to say, she sent me to a 'coping with stress' course. I went, sat in there for half hour, then spent the rest of the day sat outside because it was no help at all. After all, the root of my problem was not stress.

I dealt with things on my own, my son came along, i was happy. After a few years though, I was back on the anti depressants, back at counselling. Once again i got told to read books, go on courses, computer courses too and such. But of course, it didnt work. Then they refused, yes REFUSED to help me further.

Then last September at 4 yrs old, my son started school. It was the trigger. I started to fall so fast. I was having panic attacks every time i walked onto school grounds, that was just the start and I'm not going into more. Because at the end of the school year, I was and am still in that place.

I went to see the doctor again, one i hadnt seen before, and he actually listened. He heard exactly what the problem was. An extremely extreme phobia of schools. I went to see a new counsellor, he straight up said 'i cant help you, you need more than I can offer' so referred me to the psychology unit. 4 weeks ago, PTSD was diagnosed. I've been going to weekly outpatient sessions. Last week, the session I had was so deep. There was a lot of concern, and I was told i havent yet processed the trauma I went through, I'm still at stage 1, where I was all those years ago. It was all just left to fester there for more than a decade. I'm being referred for even more help now. I have to finish my sessions before i can go for that more help, but im going for it. And if they turn me down I know I will not be niglected. The people currently helping me will keep working with me as best they can.

Anyway, I wanted to get that out there. Especially as I have a story on here called Insecurity on High. I put in a note at the bottom of my previous chapter that I'm struggling. This is why. It's too much for me to write right now.

Thank you for reading.

Rae
August 7th, 2013 at 12:18am