Shot down

So I confessed my feelings for my guy best friend and it was incredibly easy. I didn't feel any nervousness at all and maybe that's indicative that my feelings aren't that strong.

I just needed him to know it. and what he said was 'zee, I honestly don't really look at you in the same way, ur my crazy weird unique friend and I don't really want that to change'. I guess that he was trying to soften the blow, and it kind of worked. I'm not going to overreact because I took a risk and it wasn't meant to be so why should I get mad?

so on one hand, I'm glad because I didn't really want things to change; it was more a cathartic release of my emotions. but on the other, I do feel deeply rejected and I understand that it doesn't reflect on anything being wrong with me, but on his preferences. That doesn't make it hurt less.

also, I cant help comparing myself to the girl he used to date. but you know what, this just means he wasn't the right guy and I wasn't the right girl.

It's a lot better than the last time though. I haven't shed a single tear this time. in fact, I feel kind of mellow and numb, like I'm on drugs or something.

maybe it hasn't really kicked in yet, because surely I'm supposed to feel more upset?

I really hope this doesn't mean there's going to be awkwardness between us, and I'm just really scared that he's going to be freaked out after a while and that will be the end of our friendship.

I really don't want that to happen but I'll handle that shit majestically if it does.