Fighting that voice

I had a psychology appointment today. I was okay when I got there, I went in fine, went up to the second floor fine, got to the waiting room fine. The receptionist handed me the weekly questionnaire to fill out. I went to sit. There was one other person in the waiting room. I thought thats fine it's just one person, so I sat around the corner on the furtherst chair from him. Then a couple more people came into the waiting room. Out of all the space in there, they sat either side of me. Why the fuck did they do that? Needless to say, my mind went nuts. I hurried through the rest of the questionnair not looking what answers I was ticking or numbers I was writing down. Then I got up, took the clipboard back to the receptionist and went to stand as close to the elevator as I possibly could. The receptionist knew I was cracking, he got me through to my appointment sooner. As soon as we were in the office, I completely broke down. I can't remember what I spoke about exactly, but I do remember there was a voice in my head telling me to get out. It was my own voice telling my that I wasn't safe and to leave, get out and run away. I spoke about that voice, told them how I was feeling. This is not the first time I've heard that voice. I hear it every single time I set foot into any situation that remjnds me of school. I hear it every time i drop off my son and pick him back up, i hear it every time I go out with one of my best friends the first friday of every month.... I hear it in a crowd of people. I have a 4 week break from psychology now, I'm going down to the coast and then my psychologist is going away. I know I'll be fine the next two weeks, because where I'm going to is one of the only places in the world where i can be happy, and truly be me. I've spoken at psychology how I dread coming back. More than dread, I get so worked up that I cannot take it. However I think I know how to cope this year, just bringing something bck with me, bringing a piece of my confidence back with me. Perhaps a little vile of sand or something. Something that can ground me, that can bring me back to me.

One of the things that isn't helping me, is that I have no me time. I do nothing really for myself. My son is always there. Yes I see my two best friends, but as soon as I grt back, I have a certain few family members who make me feel like shit about taking some time for myself. They twll me I'm a mother and thats my life now, i dont get a life for myself anymore. But in order to even start getting better, I'm going to need that me time. When I start the even more intense stuff, the stuff thats going to help me process the trauma I went through, I've been warned it will be THE most emotionally draining thing I have ever been through, so it is extremely important to get the me time in, and the grounding techniques in place.

I just wanted to blog this, for myself I suppose. So that I can look back at this, and remember where I am, and that it is not me going through school. It is Jayden. His experience will be different to mine. And to remind myself that I'm going to get better. To remind myself and others in my position that no matter how hard things get (especially the next few months in my case), remember to have that me time, and to keep yourself grounded. That way when the setbacks and the falls happen, you're going to be more stable, more able to cope.

This is me, telling myself it will be okay.
August 9th, 2013 at 02:08am